Awkward

That awkward moment when everything is awkward.
The awkward arrival of the ex,
The awkward stare down,
The awkward exchange of pleasantries, and from that moment onward things went downhill.
Our conversations went south,
My temper rose, her attitude was lackluster and that was how the night ended.
We exchanged words i lashed, she got loud and threatened to leave, and she asked me to.
Then the goodbye forever text came, and followed with a lose my number,
Another chapter closed and its on to the next.
Its funny how it ended but i eagerly await the next chapter, hopefully its written according to my thoughts, hopefully its with less regrets but till then i’ll flip pages and read everything line by line making sure its fully understood.

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We all need (a) Family

I never realized the value of family until I saw how alone I was at all times. No one to celebrate my achievements with and no one to lean my shoulders on when I shed a tear. You know majority of us always feel like I got this or I can do it with nobody’s help but in honesty that’s impossible like even superheroes need help that’s why they came up with the Justice League and X-Men. Now, it might have taken me sometime to realize how much I needed family’s help and how important it is to have some sort of support but once I did i made I made a move.

With that being said, I thought to myself maybe it was time to become kid I once was with great family values and was filled with joy whenever family was around. On that note I decided to shoot my sisters a message and reach out to my brother, letting them know it was time for us to go back to being family and to no surprise they were open for it and welcomed idea with open hands. Also, after recently reconnecting with my dad its been pretty interesting and I love it.

Once again I felt like I was achieving something positive again, I felt like I was really coming to myself. I got the feeling that I was coming to my true happy self and it was another good step towards “Working on a better me”

Domestic Violence isn’t something to joke about

I woke up this morning and a friend had sent me a link to TMZ article and to say what I read not only boggled me but it also upset me to my stomach that people could be so disgusting and ignorant and will do anything and everything for Likes .Ray-Rice-halloween-costume-3Now when you look at this image right here i’m sure you can pretty much see what I’m talking about. Like what kind of people with any sense of decency think this could be funny all in the name of an Halloween costume, I could only imagine if that woman would still be smiling if she she was the wife who was battered and abused but yeven she’s not as a woman you should know thats a joking matter . Everyday around the world 100’s of women are assaulted for absolutely no reason and unfortunately majority of them never make it to primetime news but here is situation with a Famous Athlete abused his wife and now he’s still trying to fix his image and also raise awareness on why no woman should ever put their hands on a woman but some sickos find it funny.Ray-Rice-halloween-costume-4 Like look at this cunt who dressed his kid up as Ray Rice for Halloween and gives him a female doll to drag it. How is this funny? Its sickening and saddening, that poor woman Janay Rice now has to relive that pain through these images.

Please, Humans we can do better, seeing things like this makes me lose hope for us. Incase you didn’t know how serious of a problem we have with domestic violence, check out sites like: http://www.domesticviolence.org/ or http://www.ncadv.org/ and http://nnedv.org/ ..

 

Heart filled with hate

Today we’re best friends tomorrow we’re worst enemies, today you’re my family tomorrow you’re a stranger. In all having you in my life was impactful, with you I shared secrets which are no longer secrets because with you I shared, spending time with you was something I longed for, with you around my heart felt at peace and at home, with you around my mind was settled and found whatever it longed for, but all of a sudden all that changed.
All I could feel towards you was rage and anger, anytime I saw you my mind was unsettled and mostly felt far from you, whenever you came around around my heart will beat faster and just come to a state of panic, how did all this change? I used to always wanna spend time with you but now I look forward to the days im not with you and my heart no longer beats for you and my thoughts no longer revolve around you.
Even while writing this my thumbs filled with rage and my heart filled hate and oh how much I hope my words do nothing but feel you with pain. The pain you made me feel, and to all the times you put me down I hope you’re let down but with all this I still want you to know, I love you and don’t wish you the best.

Cyber Love

They fell in love over the Internet,
although in person they had never met.
Loving concern was shared each day,
continued texts coming their way.

Long distance phone calls brought,
joys of togetherness they sought.
Remembrances of birthdays shared,
letting each know how they cared.

In their minds were visions of dreams,
only each other could feel it seems.
Gaps of loneliness and lack of love,
replaced like a hand in a glove.

Speeding toward the closing phase,
they connected many years and days.
One had to leave the other behind,
but never left the other’s mind.

Mama was right

Wild & Crazy adventures and his eagerness to be accepted by all led to his ruin,
For a while he thought he was on top and ahead of the pack but he didn’t realize he was just another member of the pack, he never realized he was constantly trying to be like them instead of standing out.
He was warned but he failed to listen, but who would when everything seems to be going right and you believe in your heart that you have it all figured out. His life many envied but if only they realized he was a coon and pretending to be what he really wasn’t.
Now he’s stuck, stuck with troubles to deal with, Stuck with debt and regrets, stuck with thoughts of the fact he has to live in hell, live in hell while he lives on hell of a life. His health he fears for, his wealth is all gone.
If only he had listened , if only he had realized what was coming for him, if only he had thought twice before making those decisions, if only he had know everything he knows now back then.
Now he’s coming to the realization that she was right, she knew what she was saying, she knew better then he knew himself. She told him what to do, she warned of the consequences of what kind of life he was living. After all this he sat and thought to himself saying ” she was right, Mama was right “.

I miss you

I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss you, I’ll only be deceiving myself if I said you not being around drives me crazy. I wish you were here I wish you never left, I wish I never acted the way I did because now all I’m stuck with is thoughts of regret. I hope you forgive cause I can’t forgive myself, I hope you don’t hate as much as I hate myself. I’ve trying to get over you but it never happens, I’d everything from sexcapades to wild partying but nothing worked, I guess you’re the one that got away, I know leaving you is my biggest regret.

I hate you this much

I hate you, I really do
I hate that I loved you
I hate that I gave you my heart
I hate everything you said
I hate that let you in my heart

I hate what you did
I hate how you make me hurt
I hate how you left me
I hate that you left me alone to weep

I hate how you said you loved me
I hate that I thought it wasn’t true
I hate that I let my wall down
And let myself fall in love with you

I hate how I was so stupid
I hate that I fell so hard
I hate how I let you in
And watched you steal my heart

I hate how much you put me through
I hate how much I cried
I hate that I don’t understand
Why you had to let go

I hate how I try to hate you
I hate it that I can’t
I hate it that I miss you
Even though you don’t

I hate how I still love you
I hate how I still care about you
But most of all I hate that you are no longer here
But I hate me the most for all this

I take back every hurtful thing I ever said about you

After 3 weeks of cancellations and postponing it finally happened, we got to sit down and have that talk I really wanted, he actually made time to see me and talk to me but this was after much persuasion by my aunt who had done everything in her power to make sure two of us had a better relationship.
Now I can’t say at some point on my way there I wanted to cancel and say I can’t make it or just say I don’t want to see him anymore but my friends did talk me out of it and my aunt did a lot to make this day happen and words can’t describe how happy I am that I didn’t cancel because just seeing him brought some pressure of me in some weird way and then once we started talking (even though my aunt did most of the talking) I felt a wave of fresh air go through me, like I felt so relaxed and refreshed.
Sometimes I wish you took a timeout just to understand me and my thought process but you never did and that’s why our relationship is like this, was the first thing I uttered and he replied but did you ever call me to tell me how you felt or did you ever speak up on how you felt? And I answered, ‘No I didn’t’. That moment I realized where things went wrong and the role I played in that and I realized that this man actually would have listened if all I did was talk but instead I kept it in all and had much anger and hatred towards him for absolutely no reason.
The funny thing was the fact that during the time he was talking I listened to his words carefully and I saw his expressions and attitude and I saw my 60 yr old self because I realized how much similarities we had. I was my father’s copy attitude and demeanor wise but I obviously got my lovely looks from my mother. I was filled with sadness for a while because all this while I was so angry with someone who was trying to reach out to me as much as I was but due to both of our arrogance and pride we both couldn’t get through to each other, but now that’s all in the past.
I’ve decided not to dwell on the past and move forward, begin a whole new chapter in our relationship. I swear it was better than any other therapy session I ever had, I’m excited to say the least.

Yearning for his love

You know we all have that one person that we greatly want to be accepted by and wish they understood the way we feel about them or the way they make us feel and the kind of impact their words have on us. Like for me there’s this one person who I yearn to be loved by and I hope they understand me but that hasn’t been this case.

Over the past year many events have occurred, from a terrible break up to losing it all and having to start several times over but I stand brave and strong due to the help of a few good people I have around me but my greatest struggle has been getting this one person to understand me and just give me a chance. I have tried everything possible even as far as asking my therapist to find ways of getting rid of this person but that made things worse I must say and now I have no choice but to face them and hope they once again accept me.

Now, while you’re reading you’d think it was about an old friend or an ex but no its about my father. Our relationship hasn’t been the greatest actually we don’t have one and that hurts me a lot because its something have tried to make work and i’ll keep on trying and i also hope my relationship with my future son doesn’t turn out the same way.