My Current MindFrame : Nothing Makes Sense

I received an email from an old friend today, it was about how much he missed our friendship and to let me know he was proud of all the good work I was doing. When I read this I thought to myself, what? What good work? What should I keep up? I don’t know if I’m crazy or something is wrong with me but i don’t think I’m doing that great, actually I ain’t doing anything. I know what I am capable of and I know how much I could be doing alot better but I’m not living to my full potential.
My biggest problem is I am my own biggest critic so its hard for me to be satisfied with anything I do, I know this is hard for me to admit but another problem I deal with is also the fact that I yearn for approval from people I look up to, its like I need some kind of verification to be satisfied and that alone bothers me alot. Like why do I need someone else to tell me I’m doing great for me to think I am. Another one of my problems is my fear of loneliness, like its a huge problem for me and it is one of the reasons I haven’t been living to my full potential. It’s really hard to do anything when you have no one there and this is how I feel most of the time, I feel very alone and very misguided. Loneliness leads to sadness and sadness leads to depression. Depression is a bitch and it basically takes over you, it makes it hard for you to do anything, like no matter what you’re doing you just feel very unhappy and disgruntled. As this is my current state.

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COPS ARE THE NEW MURDERERS

Here we go again, this is slowly becoming a new trend or has it always been a trend but now they’re being exposed because people are fed up. I’m talking about Police Officers becoming the new murderers, our tax money is being used to pay these pigs to protect us but all they seem to be doing is slowly killing all of us one by one and harming the innocent with the excuse i’m protecting myself. When did cops start shooting to kill, isn’t it shoot to disarm, when did cops start physically assaulting us,’ how about you call for back up if you can’t handle a certain situation instead of using a barton to whip an innocent child in the head or slam a mentally disabled woman to the pavement therefore ending her life.

The Police Force has reached a new low, like who the heck shoots to kill a 12 yr old with a BB Gun, like okay we get it officer maybe your life was in danger because you  thought it was a real gun, but how about you shoot in the air to disrupt him like for God’s sake he’s a kid. Aren’t cops paid and trained to look at situations before taking action, rather than acting out of impulse. Now according to reports “information reveals that witnesses reported a male was in the playground area of the center, waving a gun and pointing it at people. Police say when officers arrived,they located the suspect and advised him to raise his hands. However, the suspect did not comply with the officers’ orders and reached to his waistband for the gun. Shots were fired and the suspect was struck in the torso.”The young man had the weapon in his waistband. He pulled the weapon out. One of our officers fired two shots, striking the young man,”

Lets be logical here if this kid was carrying a real gun all that he was waving it at people I’m pretty sure he would have shot someone and it was also reported that this kid was right across the street from his house so why didn’t they try to get his parents before shooting him or did they think in some weird way this 12yr old was an adult. Honestly, something needs to be done about the Police and the way they’ve been Militarized. Like apart from the 12yr old getting killed how about the mentally ill woman who was slammed on to death on the sidewalk in front of her family.

After all this, it’s going to be hard for me to see a cop and feel comfortable, its going to be very hard for me to accept a friend who’s a cop and I am sure i’m not the only one who feels this way. Who are the people suppose to reach out when we need protection, when those who are the ones protecting us are the ones harming us. Something needs to be done soon or else, well we’ll see what happens in ferguson after the Mike Brown verdict.

IT TAKES TIME

It takes time, it doesn’t just happen in a day or two, it takes hard work and persistence. These are the exact words I have to repeat to myself everytime I get frustrated, now I don’t mean getting frustrated over my personal life I mean getting frustrated over my career not going the way I want it to go. It’s been very hard for me to accept the fact that I can’t start living out my dreams just yet and I have no one else but myself to blame for that, because at one point I was doing really good things were going great and i was excelling at everything I laid my hands on, until March 3, 2013 when my mom passed away from that day things went downhill. It’s been a daily struggle getting over her death and its taking a big toll on my work ethic because now I have no one to consult for career advice and I also feel like I’m making the wrong decision most of the time, this is due to lack of confidence  which makes it super hard to do anything.

I’ve been told by many to get over it and move on or many also don’t dwell on the past but how do you that when you can’t out do most of your past achievements. Another thing that people say that kills me is do what makes you happy, how am I supposed to do that with so limited resources and sadly, most of my joy came from my mother so now I’m stuck here ; miserable, confused and depressed.I sure hope that one day i’ll learn to let go off the past and also develop the patience it takes to be successful but till then I am going stress a bit, be frustrated from time to time and dwell on the “dang, I used to be the man moments’.

STUDENT LOANS ARE KICKING MY BUTT

Don’t you just love life after college its amazing and probably the best thing ever, I’m so happy to be done with college and start paying student loans 6months afterwards with such a lovely dead end job. I remember July 24, 2008 it was just like yesterday, I was filled with so many emotions I was happy then minutes later I was sad I realized how many great things I was going to miss and how many people I many never talk to anymore buy at the same time I was happy to get into the real world or what I thought was the real world at that point. July 24, 2008 was the day I graduated high school and also the day almost everything changed for me, because at that moment I made the decision that I was going to leave Nigeria and come to the U.S. to attend college and GOD knows words can’t describe how scary that was for me but months later I did it. I moved to NYC to study a degree that at that time I had no clue what it was going to be. To cut the long story I ended up studying creative writing and media management, now I don’t regret studying this but at the same time I wish I had studied something that could have brought me more job opportunities, but now i’m stuck working a dead end retail job and paying student loans. I’m beginning to think who put this idea of going to college in my head, personally speaking  i feel like college is a waste of time and system created to control the youth and also entrap us with some kind of slave mentality because some people end up paying students for about 10yrs or more after college. Now I ask this question is College a sham?, Is worth your while? My answers are it is a sham and it’s not your worth your while but i’m sure many will beg to differ and I totally understand why they will, but if you look at majority of the most successful in this current generation how many of them have a College Degree or how many of them have an associates degree to say the least. Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t go to college but I just personally feel like as long as you know what you want to do you should go after : that is with or without a college degree.

HELL WELCOMES A NEW PRINCE

The blade isn’t cold anymore,                                                                                                      so I pick up a lighter to burn my skin,                                                                                     the lovely feeling I get from the fire burning me up,                                                             so I go straight for my neck as my skin slowly melts.

Burn, Burn, let it burn is all I think to myself,                                                                   finally, the candle goes off and all I feel is pain,                                                                pain the best feeling of all, how much I love thee,                                                                   I should bathe in bowl of diesel and set myself on fire.

Oh fire, how much the site of you turns me on,                                                                      I’d love to swim in a pool of fire maybe it’d wipe away my pain,                                      I’d love to spend years in hell, maybe that’s where I belong,                                                I hate that you can’t be a constant part of me.

To everyone who’s ever broken my heart thank you,                                                           to everyone who’s ever toyed with my emotions; thank you,                                           for without you I would have never found my love “Fire”,                                                     I hope these few words can explain my love for you.

One day, I’d get the courage to end it all,                                                                               save myself and many others from any mischief I could create,                                     I’ll wake up one day and burn my skin slowly,                                                                       sit in my room, Pour some gas on the floor, light a match and Burn it all.

On that day, I make love for the burn official,                                                                         On that day I’ll end it all, I know so many people will be joyous,                                     On that day I’ll ascend to the ultimate burn the place I belong,                                       On that day Hell will welcome a new Prince.

 

R.I.P to my unborn child

It happened several times before, so why is she refusing to give more, who cares anyway because after several words he finally convinced her, convinced her to let him undress her while he slowly bites her neck, work his way down to her breast ( breast so huge they were sometimes hard to handle), slowly go down in between her legs while moans then she stopped for a second and asked where was the rubber, he gave it to her and she orally placed it on his _____.
Then he turned her back around and put her in his favorite position and he put his ____ in between her legs and she screamed, the screaming became moaning, moaning to trash talk and in between the trash talk she said what if I told you I was pregnant and laughed with disbelief, he kept going but then again she says what if I was pregnant, ‘his answers were we gonna get rid of  it’ and she yelled pull out and he did so. Silence was in the room she kept quiet to herself while he scratched his head, out of no where she breaks her silence and said ” I should have known you wasn’t shit  like remember when you said you wasn’t going to be like your father, well now you that nigga”. With frustration and anger in his voice and with resentment in his tone he said “you a hoe anyways so lets get rid of this kid”.
Tears and tears rolled down her eyes, curse words in every language she knew, she finally calm down and said “yeah ima get an abortion” but you gonna come with me and pay for this shit too”. Well he never went with her and he only gave her half the money so now they’ve become enemies and months past by with no communication but deep inside of him he wished her never did that, he wishes he never got rid of that child that could have changed his life and make everything alright.
Too late now he said to himself, now I killed someone he thought to himself, if only I could have been older and wiser he thought to himself. I had a chance to bring life into this world and I fucked it up.

Suicide Note: Part 2

Off to the emptiness
where I am widely invited.
I do hope loneliness
will consume my soul.

Away the hurt will go.
No more aches because
the dulling numbness,
will take away my feel.

Stretching long and far
is my path,
leading to a place
hoarding the lowest of lows.

One more companion
to guide my way.
I do hope
She doesn’t shun my choice.

Crawling through the years,
peaking upwards
through the vents,
I see the world as it is.

To people pay no attention
the reflection I see.
Only showing dirt,
hopelessness, and debris.

Alas they only see
what is shown to them.
No second glance
of reconsideration.

Warmth and comfort,
turn to foreign concepts.
Taking their place,
hurt and sorrow.

What will become
of my murky reflection,
Tainted? Stained?
Forgotten.

Would it be easier,
to just accept?
Skip the pain
right to the killing.

Tear off the leftover shreds
of my feelings.
Plunge into darkness,
hopefully to resurface

Mr Know It All

Most of the time we try to find an answer for everything or we seem to believe we have the solution to every problem but sometimes the best thing to do is to let it happen or as they say go with the flow. I realized that most of the time I am one of those people who seems to have an answer for everything or I get frustrated and flustered when I don’t have a solution to a particular situation. For example, most recently I have been dealing with the “ex-effect” now in the past I’ve always found a way to keep to things cordial with ex’s but for once I actually had no control over this situation, and for me that was strange because in the past have always been able to do this, now instead of just letting things flow I tried forcing the situation but I realized it only made things worse.

The problem with me is that almost everything I’ve ever gotten i feel as come from my ability to manoeuvre any situation, so if for once I couldn’t do this I’d just feel like a big failure but after long hours of thinking I came to the decision that sometimes you just have to fall and let things play out. Life doesn’t always go the way you want so just relax let things happen and eventually things will fall into place. It doesn’t what you’re facing or going through there’s always going to be an outcome and chances are it won’t be the one you want but you have to live with it and learn from it. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t be Mr Fix it all but that doesn’t mean you don’t give it a try but never force something to happen because chances are you’ll be filled with regrets.

What’s wrong with this generation?

Was i born the wrong generation? This is a question I’ve constantly asked myself. I feel like at my very young age my mindset and priorities are very much different from most of the people in my age group that I’ve come across. Like most of the women are too focused on finding a boy that “will hold them down” rather than finding a man that they can build with, while most of the men are too worried about “getting fly and getting their dick sucked” excuse my language but those things bother me alot. I feel at the age of 22, I have my degree and my biggest priority right now is starting a career and making sure my family is doing well, but don’t get me wrong I like to look good and have sex but those aren’t my priorities. Today, on my way home on the train I was listening to these guys talk and for a whole 30mins subway ride all they talked about was a “THOT BITCH who couldn’t suck dick right” I laughed to myself and thought what kind of woman will want men like this but apparently some do, Now fast forward to when I get off at the same stop with these guys they’re both talking about how they gotta ask their sister for money and at that moment I put my head down thinking what is wrong with the young men of this generation? why are they so lazy and nonchalant?

I could honestly careless about the men but what bothered the most was the woman they talked about, she knew these guys were friends yet she had sex with both of them in hopes one of them will “wife her up” like seriously? what happened to the generation when women had pride? what happened to the generation of women who were poised to take control? what happened to the generation who were ready to compete with men and not be beneath them? Its sad to see so many women of my generation have LOOSE MORALS and more LOOSE VAGINAS because they too busy hoping on dick than to get on the road and find a better future. I feel like many women in this generation will rather SUCK their way to the top than WORK their way to the top, these all my opinions but you can beg to differ.

i hope one day the men and women of my generation will open their eyes and realize how much power we have to make change and also realize the value of hard work and integrity and most of all learn to behave.

You can do what you already did

I’m happy that to you I no longer exist but the truth is you can’t undo everything we did, you might say you don’t know me anymore but we both know how much impact we had on each others lives.

I know you’re probably somewhere wishing you never met me, sadly for you I have no regrets, You were the perfect person for me, the best person I ever met but just came in at the wrong time, I tried to warn you but you never did understand, I told you about how damaged I was and how much I needed help, I guess you thought you could save me; maybe you could have but I needed more than saving.

I appreciate the attempt but my life is shit, I made it shit and its up to me to fix it, You know when you say things like “Lets go back to strangers that never met” I begin to ponder if you truly ever cared.

I can’t deny the fact that I gave up on you, me actually us but I was saving you from the disaster I was, I sometimes wish you’d see things from my perspective but then again you have a mind of your own, It’s sad to see everything play out this way but I hope it’s for the best.

I really want to hate you for not wanting to be in my life anymore but I understand you’re hurt, I really want to hate you for continuing life without me but you know what I’m doing the same and I hate myself for that, You see after this is all said and done, I hope that we find peace, I hope that we find closure.

Most importantly I hope you understand I was willing to give it all up for you as much as you were willing to, but now our time is over we both faded into dust and our lives forever remain apart.