Of course it has to be the shortest month of the year..Why are people of color celebrating this sham? Who came up with this shit? I could give a rats ass about Black History month. This is just another way of the government limiting us, black history month my ass. It might as well be let’s make these niggers feel like they have something month. Black history is made everyday, every day another black kid is born its black history, everyday black kids go to school black history is made, any day black kids graduate black history is made, any day another black kid becomes a cop, a lawyer, an artist, a CEO , an entrepreneur. Black history is made. Black history month, nah bro its black history year, black history century, black history millennium.
Can no one see this smile I’m faking,
See how, inside, I’m constantly shaking?
These people all claim they know me well,
Yet no one can see through my crumbling shell?
“I’m fine”, I whisper, my sadness unknown,
They leave me to deal with this anguish alone.
I’ve hidden behind this wall most of my life,
I’ve managed so far, I’ve dealt with my strife.
Watching as, slowly, my blood leaks away,
It helps to keep life’s true horrors at bay.
I pull down my sleeve to cover my hurt,
For approaching footsteps, I’m on the alert.
I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, why can’t I fool me?
For this Valentines day,
I don’t have much money,
No jewelry, or a car, or a big house,
What I instead decided to give you is something priceless,
It’s something every girl wants,
No girl seems to find,
Money can’t buy,
What some people call the meaning of life,
And what others say only God himself can award you.
What is this priceless treasure?
It’s something I can’t give any other girl in the world,
Something you cannot return,
And the only treasure you will have after you die.
When you see God at the gates to Heaven,
He will ask if you have found true love?
You will say no I didn’t,
It is then he will look at you strange,
You will ask what’s wrong and he will say,
If you didn’t find true love,
Then why do you have two hearts?
At this time you will remember,
That it was me who gave you,
My heart forever…
It took a while but I’ve finally come to terms with it, I can’t deny it anymore, I can’t runaway from it anymore, I’ve gotta own up to it, no more lies and no more excuses, I have a problem and its one that I can’t control.
I get the strangest joys from the sight of blade, I get even more excited when I cut through my hands on some days just for the fun of it I wanna cut so deep just to feel a much longer time of hurt.
For so long I avoided dealing with this but I can’t run away from it anymore, it wont get the best of me. I’m tired of acting like I’m happy and everything is okay, I’m tired of acting Im not hurt by the things that go on around me, I’m tired of acting like actions of the opposite sex and family don’t hurt me.
My thought process has been I brought this on myself and then I beat myself up, and cut myself just so I can believe I’m bring myself all the hurt but I’m tired of doing that. I promise myself never to inflict physical pain on myself to cover up the emotional pain.
To everyone that has ever hurt me I say a big thank you because if not I won’t realize I had a problem or how much of walking dead I was. I’m tired of going out in public and acting like all is well, when I know deep inside I wanna break down and cry. The demons in my head are beginning to hunt me and my mind is going crazy, crazy and feeling extremely overwhelmed but this is just me venting to get things off my chest. Many more words will come soon I’m sure.
All I can say is I tried.
My best, my hardest.
I tried to love you and now get over you.
It won’t fade, I can’t seem to let go
Let go of the past I regret it.
I let you down I pushed you out.
My deepest thoughts were consumed with doubt.
Fear of a let down or something real
I didn’t know just what to feel.
When the confusion was lifted and I reached for you
there was nothing left just a stunning view
Moments and moments passed but next thing I know
I went from first to last
You say I’m just a friend
I can’t even begin to pretend
I’m OK with a chat or you stealing my hat
but i’m lying here lifeless face down on the mat
A knockout blow
I’ve never been so low
You used to be my everything but now you’re just another “thot”
I remember when I used to say princess you’re all I got
I tried to make you see
how much you mean to me
you stood there stone cold
and it has really gotten old
You know i see right through you
and what you think is best for you
but one again the future repeats the past
will this stubbornness really last
All I can say is I tried, I tried and I tried..