I’m my own worst enemy

It took a while but I’ve finally come to terms with it, I can’t deny it anymore, I can’t runaway from it anymore, I’ve gotta own up to it, no more lies and no more excuses, I have a problem and its one that I can’t control.
I get the strangest joys from the sight of blade, I get even more excited when I cut through my hands on some days just for the fun of it I wanna cut so deep just to feel a much longer time of hurt.
For so long I avoided dealing with this but I can’t run away from it anymore, it wont get the best of me. I’m tired of acting like I’m happy and everything is okay, I’m tired of acting Im not hurt by the things that go on around me, I’m tired of acting like actions of the opposite sex and family don’t hurt me.
My thought process has been I brought this on myself and then I beat myself up, and cut myself just so I can believe I’m bring myself all the hurt but I’m tired of doing that. I promise myself never to inflict physical pain on myself to cover up the emotional pain.
To everyone that has ever hurt me I say a big thank you because if not I won’t realize I had a problem or how much of walking dead I was. I’m tired of going out in public and acting like all is well, when I know deep inside I wanna break down and cry. The demons in my head are beginning to hunt me and my mind is going crazy, crazy and feeling extremely overwhelmed but this is just me venting to get things off my chest. Many more words will come soon I’m sure.

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