Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who has done nothing but bring me and my loved ones nothing but pain and hurt.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who constantly finds new ways to kill the best of people.
Tell me I’m supposed to believe who has consistently let countries go to war or creates division over ways people worship him.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who doesn’t seem to hear the cry of the poor but answers the call of the rich; because what we see the is the pockets of the rich getting fatter and their steadily getting better since they can afford the best health care, the best meals and the best lifestyle ; while the poor continue to have flatter pockets and get bigger in weight and their health depreciates because they can’t afford the best of everything.
Tell how I’m supposed to believe in a God who’s deserted me at my weakest.
Lately, I’ve met several like minded people who suffer from depression due to the passing of a loved one, or due to economic situations and these are people who believe in this God; now I ask if this man has done nothing but bring you hurt by taking away these loved or leave you in the worst financial situations; How am I supposed to believe in this God?
This fictional character is who I believe he his. It was a man-made system built to control us due to Human’s need for a constant belief system and a sense of guidance or the need to be followers in a general sense.
His name was used to capture my people slaves and lead into captivity and create a great division, yet he never did anything to stop it.
Tell me how am I supposed to believe in this God? Tell how exactly do you believe in one who has done nothing but consistently disappointed you?
Slowly, we’re a all being wiped out,
We’re not wanted,
They want to see us rage,
They want to see us fight back, so they can have a reason to slaughter us.
This isn’t our country and they want us to know that,
They brought us here at their own will, why?
Just to use us and that they’re done they just want to dispose us,
Everyday another of us is killed, Every hour another of us is thrown jailed and lost in the system so we can fail.
We can shout and protest, but nothing has changed,
We can fight back but they have more weapons than us,
They argue we kill ourselves but who gives us the weapons,
All we want is equality and peace,
All we want is to be accepted,
All we want it to be free in the “Land of the Free”
Happiness at last? So it may seem,
I can see myself smiling all over again,
I can see my heart beating regularly again,
Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?
This day might just be a miracle in the making.
I woke up feeling rejuvenated,
I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,
So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.
I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.
I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,
It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.
Oh double standards, how lovely are you? I think just by title of this article you kind of get where I’m going with this. Any lock that can be unlocked by different keys is a bad lock right? But any Key that can unlock any lock is a master Key right? Now to you men that have this mentality imagine this was your fathers thought process when going into your mother. And to the women who are great locks and judge the bad locks like they’re any different or better.
Any man that can have sex with multiple women is hailed as a hero, he’s seen as the man but if a woman decides to do the same she’s labeled as a slut amongst many other things she’s called but you pathetic men that call them these names know you love them because that’s what you want. You want that woman you can call anytime and the sex will be accessible but yet you’re quick to call her every name in the book but you think you’re the cool guy because you can do that. I want every guy just like myself to think to ourselves; what makes it different that women can’t decide to have Casual sex if they want to? Like why would you as a ‘man’ choose to label or disrespect a woman based on her sexual decisions, honestly bro that makes you a coward man. If you don’t want her because she’s been with too many men then leave her the fuck alone and go find your Virgin Mary mother of Jesus or if you think she’s a slut because she hangs around too many then go find a Nun and try marrying because she’s been with women most of her life.
I want every man that calls women names just for doing the same things they do to imagine if someone called their daughters or mothers or sisters those names and how would they feel? Or imagine yourself being that woman for a second being called all those things, well I know some men still don’t care which is perfectly fine with me but next time you decide to call a Woman a slut for choosing to have sec with multiple partners just remember you’re a bigger slut and a lowlife.
Also, I want to place emphasis on the fact that no matter how old a woman is, or how she lives her life, or what she does for a living and also what she chooses to wear; she should still be respected because honestly if it wasn’t for women both the “sluts”(who make life more fun) and the “innocent” or “angelic” women our world would be shredded into pieces.
My point is no man has the power to slut shame a woman and no woman has the right to put the other down just because they choose to live their life differently. If you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck and keep your words to yourself.
It’s 2am and I’m excited about visiting NYC again, even though it’s been only a month since I left but there’s an even bigger thought of what have I learnt since moving and has anything good come out me moving so far, and the answer is Yes. For the first time this year I could actually say I’m building a savings account and for the first time in 2 years I could finally say I live in a home. Now this statement doesn’t mean I’ve been homeless for two years which at some point in 2013 I was but it was more about the fact that wherever I laid my head in the past two years didn’t feel like but since I’ve been here in Raleigh, the joys of living with family has given me a “homely” feeling; which I dearly appreciate.
Now over the past month even with the joy of being around family, everyday has been a constant struggle because I feel very much out of place. The way people here think is different, the lifestyle here is different and it could be both a positive and a negative but I’ve come to the realization that I prefer the fast pace hustle and bustle craziness that NYC has to offer, like I love it so much I started to look for jobs in NYC again but I had to talk to myself and do some thinking and have come to realize that I am here for a purpose. I am here to better myself. I am here to spend some much needed time with family, I am here to find financial stability, I am here to find peace, I am here to find sanity and most of all I am here to find happiness and happiness does not come in one day, or one week or one month there’s no time limit to finding happiness so I will take my time and make the best out of this opportunity and create my own happiness and create my own financial stability and create my own Brand and also begin my search to a life time of gratification.
My Dear Queen,
I started writing this at 4:28 and you should know why, I’m supposed to also be sleeping but your presence is all I can think about.
I know everything you might read here you’ve probably heard before but I just had to put my thoughts into words, you know I’m a better writer than speaker even though I talk alot.
I hope these few words can do justice on how I feel about you, but I don’t think they’d be enough. You came out of nowhere, at a moment I had lost all hope, you came at a moment when I felt like I was meant to be miserable all by myself and lost in my own thoughts but you came and turned all of that around. You came in and showed me that I could have a partner in crime, you came and showed me I didn’t have to be miserable and you came into my life and became my lighthouse.
With you, I have learnt that I could be myself and not have to bend my back with compromise because your approach to everything makes us find a common ground always. You’ve accepted my flaws and weirdness, I’ve accepted yours and its become a Beautiful Imperfection. In you I have it all; a best friend, a lover, and a shoulder to lean on. I never thought I’d be here this time a month ago but here I am.
Now, I hope that I can make you be yourself without any questions. I hope that I can make you understand that no matter what you feel, I will be there for you and that your feelings are always validated and that you are never ignored. I never thought you’d want or any part of me, I remember you had to force to go on a date with me and now look at where we are. I hope that at the end of everything I make this worth your while.
Man, I’m hella happy and you make life so easy to live. So lets bask in this moment and I hope it would forever go on.
Words with Rob:
At age 63, Robert a retired Social Worker turn cab-driver has most definitely seen it all. From he’s time has a cab driver to also he’s time as a cab driver. During my chat with him, he talked about his disastrous relationship with his ex-wife and daughters and he’s excellent relationship with his son but in my father’s case it’s a reversal of things in the sense that I have a disastrous relationship with him and he has a great relationship with his ex-wife (not my late mom) and his daughters.
During my conversation I got the sense that he had alot to share, from topics about religion to relationships which are two things I personally I’m very passionate about conversing on. When we spoke about religion, he had a very interesting take on the “Jewish vs Christian” debate, some of the points he made were very strong. For example, why is that Christians don’t believe in Judaism but worship **(Yassua) Jesus who just happened to be Jewish, or also the fact that Christians refer to (Yahweh) has God and also call **(Yassua) Jesus,but above all one thing that really stood to me was the fact that he had very solid points that will make for a very good conversation.
At first, Robert appeared to be this very angry and crazy guy but you can tell he’s someone who’s scorned and has probably been burned by alot of people or maybe he probably needs to get laid because he mentioned its been 32 years but this was probably one of the most interesting people have met so far this year. He’s view on religion is something I’d love to get more into, they were very insightful; this dude was hilarious like he needs his own show. Finally, what I got the most from his was a statement he made about he’s ex-wife and daughters; “he said even though my ex-wife and daughters hate and probably want to kill me, any day I pray or anytime I pray; I pray for them and for the betterness of them, that he may show them the light”. This shows that no matter how scorned he was his level of spirituality still put love in his heart and he had no reason to hate them. This shows that because of his faith this man had found peace within which is far more important than the outermost.
Matters of the heart are never easy, they’re never fun to discuss. Often times I find myself being unable to show case my emotions, due to the fact that once I express it, I’m labeled with some kind of name or I’m as seen as being too emotional and no guy likes to hear that. I remembered when I was younger, you were encouraged to express how you feel but this current generation: things just seem to be very different. No one wants to show their true emotions, everyone wants to have this tough guy or girl image and wants to be seen as someone who doesn’t give a f***.
For me after realizing how much better I’d feel after expressing my mind or my feelings about someone I decided I didn’t care about being seen as an “Emotional Bitch” as some of my friend’s labeled me. After deciding to not be afraid to express my emotions I realized how happy it made, I realized it helped me get rid of my fear of rejection. Who says men can’t be emotional? Who said men shouldn’t be able to express how they feel? Like this is how some men get fucked over and become so emotionally distraught.
I recently expressed how I felt to someone who I had the biggest crush on and the way she rejected me was like the worst way ever, I got upset but you know what it made me feel a lot better because I know my mind was free. I got a sense of relief afterwards because I know now where she stands and I know where to move forward from. But, I still ponder like what made her not want anything with me or is that something is wrong with but I can’t really tell. I felt like we were connecting on the the deepest of levels but soon afterwards I could see her starting to pull back, I could tell her level of interest wasn’t as much as mine just because I expressed how I truly felt and what I wanted.
In other words, what I’m trying to say is never be afraid to express your true feelings, even though what you get back from it might not be what you want, just understand that Rejection is all part of the “game”. Life goes on.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.
The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.
I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.