Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
There’s this girl I’ve never met,It’s very hard to explain.
I don’t really even know her,
But I do think about her quite often.
I’ve never even heard her voice,
But it plays on my mind very often .
I’ve never even heard her laugh,
But I’ve know she has an healing smile.
I’ve never actually hugged her,
Or ran my fingers through her hair.
I’ve never gazed into her eyes,
Or watched her laying there,
But I know I think about her.
I wonder why,
I can only imagine what kind of impact that’s she’s had on me, evening without knowing.
We can barely have a conversation,
Because every time we talk it’s like we’re at war.
I guess I don’t Know her at all, so it makes sense
But I often think about her so it’s kind of confusing.
I am hopeful that one day, just one day,
I hope we can be amazing friends,
And I hope that our friendship,
Will never end.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who has done nothing but bring me and my loved ones nothing but pain and hurt.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who constantly finds new ways to kill the best of people.
Tell me I’m supposed to believe who has consistently let countries go to war or creates division over ways people worship him.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who doesn’t seem to hear the cry of the poor but answers the call of the rich; because what we see the is the pockets of the rich getting fatter and their steadily getting better since they can afford the best health care, the best meals and the best lifestyle ; while the poor continue to have flatter pockets and get bigger in weight and their health depreciates because they can’t afford the best of everything.
Tell how I’m supposed to believe in a God who’s deserted me at my weakest.
Lately, I’ve met several like minded people who suffer from depression due to the passing of a loved one, or due to economic situations and these are people who believe in this God; now I ask if this man has done nothing but bring you hurt by taking away these loved or leave you in the worst financial situations; How am I supposed to believe in this God?
This fictional character is who I believe he his. It was a man-made system built to control us due to Human’s need for a constant belief system and a sense of guidance or the need to be followers in a general sense.
His name was used to capture my people slaves and lead into captivity and create a great division, yet he never did anything to stop it.
Tell me how am I supposed to believe in this God? Tell how exactly do you believe in one who has done nothing but consistently disappointed you?
I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,
I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,
I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,
I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.
Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.
I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.
You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,
You were everything I was looking for,
The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.
You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.
I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.
I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.
I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.
Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .
I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.
You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way
Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .
Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,
I hope I can start over somewhere new,
But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.
Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .
Laying down bored, scrolling on the gram, she popped up on that feed in a lovely dress, filling up every inch of that dress, and a smile filling every inch of my heart because it simply lit me up.
As I scrolled through her pictures I saw a smile big enough heal a hurt, the more I looked the more I wanted all of what she’s got.
And her melanin is so radiant; It shall remain a sexy dark chocolate throughout all the seasons.
Your chocolate skin glistens once you waltz inside a room. Your chocolate skin is magnificent, it’s amazing to think God has blessed you with such melanin.
She probably about 5’10 and weighs and 100 and something, I kept calculating how much space she’ll take up if she was lying my bed next to I.
She filled my mind with thoughts of wifing and taking her home this even before I said a word.
I dropped several DM’s eventually she answered, now we texting and I can see she’s so busy she ain’t got no time for nobody. Or maybe I just lack the proper words to enthuse her mind and maybe I just like all the other guys in her cell.
It hurts to think that I couldn’t pick the words, to sway you my way, it sucks that I’ve never gotten to have a regular conversation with you to break all those guards down and see behind all that confidence is some heavy flaws that make you into the strong queen you are.
My bones feel weakened, my body whimpers and mind lacks fluidity & sanity,My head is throbbing, it’s pounding, I feel like the world is stomping on me.
I’m freely falling no matter how hard I try to stay up, I am fatigued from helplessness.
I am tired of always trying, and never feeling I’ve done enough or I’m never good enough for anyone or myself especially.
I wish peoples ignorance wouldn’t affect my state of mind, but with a great deal of sadness it takes an heavy toll on me,
I’m strained from hearing lies, from those I admire and those I desire, it hurts to be let down by those who you thought were in your life to inspire you to be your best self.
I am drained the mental abuse I have consistently endured,
I am enervated from constant crying, Sadness has become my natural state
I am just so exhausted
I feel like dying.
Slowly, we’re a all being wiped out,
We’re not wanted,
They want to see us rage,
They want to see us fight back, so they can have a reason to slaughter us.
This isn’t our country and they want us to know that,
They brought us here at their own will, why?
Just to use us and that they’re done they just want to dispose us,
Everyday another of us is killed, Every hour another of us is thrown jailed and lost in the system so we can fail.
We can shout and protest, but nothing has changed,
We can fight back but they have more weapons than us,
They argue we kill ourselves but who gives us the weapons,
All we want is equality and peace,
All we want is to be accepted,
All we want it to be free in the “Land of the Free”
Do you actually like her? Or you like the way she makes your penis feel?Do you actually care about her well being or you only care about if she’s well with you?
Just waste her time and fill her with bogus stories, tell her what she wants to hear and fill her head with fake promises. Treat her like princess but within your heart she’s just another one in a long line women will Serve under him.
Make her feel like she’s the only one, so whenever she does something wrong you play the victim and leave her with a heart filled with guilt and let her apologize.
After you’ve done this you get a sense you’re now in control and become a manipulative genius. You constantly mislead and make her feel you can’t do anything wrong, now that you have her heart make like she’s not good enough and will never be good for anyone else but you.
Her self-esteem is now low and she’s addicted to your lies and your bullshit and doesn’t realize you’re a no good, lying pathetic loser, but that’s perfectly fine because you’re already on to the next female doing the same exact routine but unfortunately you met your match and she won’t fall your lies and your deceit, your games and manipulative ways. So you take your anger and frustration out of the princess who thinks you’re the best person ever; she’s angry and panicking, thinking what have I done wrong how can I please my ‘prince’, she runs to friends for help and while you run from bed to bed in search of something that is none existent.
Until one day you end it all. You let her know the truth, you apologize to her but it’s too late because you’ve created another broken woman, another angry woman, you’ve created another stereotypical angry black woman. You’ve helped this Queen loose her crown, but soon she’ll be back while you keep ruining more lives only failing to realize you’re ruining yours.
You are only making yourself into a damage boy who will never get a basic understanding of an emotional connection, or the joys of having someone who your Soul is tied to.
I sit here quietly and watch the sun set, thinking of someone that I’ve never met.
I wonder does she think of me too, Its rather strange but I get constant thoughts of her.
I long to hold her and to put her smile on her face, I want to simply take away all her pain, to a better place is where I desire to take her,
She feels so right, almost to good to be true, She carries herself with so much plight, a sight to behold,
I just can’t stop thinking of you.
My head toys with me when I say I’m crushing on you because my heart is longing for a girl I’ve not met
I say there is nothing I can do, I cannot help thinking of you
I believe we were made to help heal each other , but wonder if that could possibly be.
I’m tired of being so alone and blue
But I always smile when thinking of you.
Not all who wander are lost.
Yet still, I wonder
where am I headed to, I have no clue?
But I know where I am,
I’m stuck in the moment, fighting to find my way, but yet I’m still so lost,
Lost in my thoughts.
Thoughts which range from “what’s for dinner?” to “why am I here?”
Ranging from shallow minded ignorant young Blackman to Young Woken brother on a mission?
My mind is jumping from leap to leap.
Leaving me confused and wondering, Where am I and where are we going?
Then I realize, maybe I’m just a wanderer after all. A soul built to go where ever, whenever my heart desires.