Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who has done nothing but bring me and my loved ones nothing but pain and hurt.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who constantly finds new ways to kill the best of people.
Tell me I’m supposed to believe who has consistently let countries go to war or creates division over ways people worship him.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who doesn’t seem to hear the cry of the poor but answers the call of the rich; because what we see the is the pockets of the rich getting fatter and their steadily getting better since they can afford the best health care, the best meals and the best lifestyle ; while the poor continue to have flatter pockets and get bigger in weight and their health depreciates because they can’t afford the best of everything.
Tell how I’m supposed to believe in a God who’s deserted me at my weakest.
Lately, I’ve met several like minded people who suffer from depression due to the passing of a loved one, or due to economic situations and these are people who believe in this God; now I ask if this man has done nothing but bring you hurt by taking away these loved or leave you in the worst financial situations; How am I supposed to believe in this God?
This fictional character is who I believe he his. It was a man-made system built to control us due to Human’s need for a constant belief system and a sense of guidance or the need to be followers in a general sense.
His name was used to capture my people slaves and lead into captivity and create a great division, yet he never did anything to stop it.
Tell me how am I supposed to believe in this God? Tell how exactly do you believe in one who has done nothing but consistently disappointed you?
Not a day goes by without a thought of you.Most of the time they are happy thoughts,
Thoughts of how great things were,
Thoughts of how I was once a happy child with a bright future,
Eventually all those joyous thoughts go away, and I fade into darkness,
You really are gone, you’re not here anymore,
I feel so alone, whenever this thought hits me,
My bestfriend is gone, so now I drown in my thoughts,
Slowly trying to move on without you mother,
Every moment I wish you were here,
Your love was selfless, your heart was warming no matter what.
You made me feel like I belong ,
You made me feel like I could do anything,
You were my source of my motivation and all that is now dust,
Do I still matter?, Will I ever be something?
I can’t help but wonder if you’re still around,
Do you see me breakdown and cry?
Do you hear my prayers?
Do you see me quiver in fear of me not amounting to anything?
Are you proud of me?
Why won’t you answer my calls for you?
I want you to show me sign that you’re here,
I’ve been waiting for an answer, but even though I get no reply I’ll keep trying.
I saw you in my dream the other day, but you never altered a word,
Is that the sign I needed all along that you’re still around, but I may never know I’ve realized.
The rest of the world celebrate mothers and spend time with theirs, I’m left dealing with tears all I can do is think of the memories we had,
I’m happy glad we created those memories, you were more than a mother to me and I’m happy you birth me.
It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.
After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.
From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you. Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.
I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.
I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.
Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.
I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.
It’s 2am and I’m excited about visiting NYC again, even though it’s been only a month since I left but there’s an even bigger thought of what have I learnt since moving and has anything good come out me moving so far, and the answer is Yes. For the first time this year I could actually say I’m building a savings account and for the first time in 2 years I could finally say I live in a home. Now this statement doesn’t mean I’ve been homeless for two years which at some point in 2013 I was but it was more about the fact that wherever I laid my head in the past two years didn’t feel like but since I’ve been here in Raleigh, the joys of living with family has given me a “homely” feeling; which I dearly appreciate.
Now over the past month even with the joy of being around family, everyday has been a constant struggle because I feel very much out of place. The way people here think is different, the lifestyle here is different and it could be both a positive and a negative but I’ve come to the realization that I prefer the fast pace hustle and bustle craziness that NYC has to offer, like I love it so much I started to look for jobs in NYC again but I had to talk to myself and do some thinking and have come to realize that I am here for a purpose. I am here to better myself. I am here to spend some much needed time with family, I am here to find financial stability, I am here to find peace, I am here to find sanity and most of all I am here to find happiness and happiness does not come in one day, or one week or one month there’s no time limit to finding happiness so I will take my time and make the best out of this opportunity and create my own happiness and create my own financial stability and create my own Brand and also begin my search to a life time of gratification.
I’ll be back.
I started boxing up what should be the last set of things that I was going to pack up and then I came across my old cell phone and I charged it up. When I started reading through my old messages I saw some conversations with my mom in which I told her I was going to turn NY into my gold mine, that was about 3 years ago on my 20th birthday and 3 years later as my 23rd birthday approaches, i’ll be leaving NYC to go start all over in North Carolina. Words can’t describe how disappointed I am in myself that I couldn’t achieve at least 60% of the goals I set for myself here and as I write this tears role down my eyes because I feel like my time here was wasted, but instead of beating myself up and being sad, I am going to see moving as a chance to go away get some new ideas and come back super charged and refreshed
Words with Rob:
At age 63, Robert a retired Social Worker turn cab-driver has most definitely seen it all. From he’s time has a cab driver to also he’s time as a cab driver. During my chat with him, he talked about his disastrous relationship with his ex-wife and daughters and he’s excellent relationship with his son but in my father’s case it’s a reversal of things in the sense that I have a disastrous relationship with him and he has a great relationship with his ex-wife (not my late mom) and his daughters.
During my conversation I got the sense that he had alot to share, from topics about religion to relationships which are two things I personally I’m very passionate about conversing on. When we spoke about religion, he had a very interesting take on the “Jewish vs Christian” debate, some of the points he made were very strong. For example, why is that Christians don’t believe in Judaism but worship **(Yassua) Jesus who just happened to be Jewish, or also the fact that Christians refer to (Yahweh) has God and also call **(Yassua) Jesus,but above all one thing that really stood to me was the fact that he had very solid points that will make for a very good conversation.
At first, Robert appeared to be this very angry and crazy guy but you can tell he’s someone who’s scorned and has probably been burned by alot of people or maybe he probably needs to get laid because he mentioned its been 32 years but this was probably one of the most interesting people have met so far this year. He’s view on religion is something I’d love to get more into, they were very insightful; this dude was hilarious like he needs his own show. Finally, what I got the most from his was a statement he made about he’s ex-wife and daughters; “he said even though my ex-wife and daughters hate and probably want to kill me, any day I pray or anytime I pray; I pray for them and for the betterness of them, that he may show them the light”. This shows that no matter how scorned he was his level of spirituality still put love in his heart and he had no reason to hate them. This shows that because of his faith this man had found peace within which is far more important than the outermost.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.
The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.
I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.
Men never ever want to be sensitive. Men don’t want to cry. We don’t want to feel weak. Check that. We don’t want to actually be weak. Weak men aren’t respected by other men and weak men aren’t respected by women, either. You see a lot of women talk about how they want a sensitive and honest man but when they get man they complain about it. But who cares let me go on ramble about one of my biggest fears…
You know what scares me?, its the fact that people could be together for 20 or even 30 years and awaken to discover they don’t love each other anymore, or they never really loved each other but the other one just stuck it out because he or she felt pity for their spouse. Now this is what scares me. You’d wonder why does this scare me, well it scares me because I don’t want to end up and I don’t think anyone of us ever wants to be alone but its looking a possibility for many people. I recently read a couple of stories about some women who got married to themselves after waiting for Mr Right that never came and ever since then I’ve been thinking about this whole Love thing and this whole Monogamy thing. Like, is their really someone out there for everybody and are some people just brought to the world to be Lone-wolf’s.
During a conversation with a friend, she told me about how I shouldn’t be afraid of being alone that it could sometimes be a good thing but I thought how cold me just being by myself be something good? How could me just getting to know myself more be something good but I repeated that question over again and I realized that it would actually be a great thing, I decided to reduce my drinking ways and various stupid decisions. I realize now more than ever I have to get myself together and figure out what I want, no more taking stupid risks and no more getting people involved in it. I want every man to know that we all need to go through this phase, we all need to figure out what we want before we bring someone else along the ride with us.
There’s many confused men out here and they end up screwing over good women, and then we men end up crying about crazy women. When the truth is Women are crazy, Men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid. So please men everywhere get yourselves together before you go find a woman and make her crazy and ruin her for the man who she was meant to be with.