Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

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Wishing we never met..

Sitting here late at night,

Looking at this burning cigarette, as I think of everything I regret, starring at her face, wishing we never met,

What exactly have I done? Why did I ever get myself involved in the first place ? How did the manage to get this frozen heart to melt?

Now, I’m questioning myself like why didn’t you know better? Or if you’ve known better why didn’t you do better?

At this moment I can’t even trust myself or my own judgement, I can’t even trust my own words. I keep falling in out of trust and trying to rekindle lust in the name of love. I keep trying to burn a fire that was never lit. All this while I kept thinking I was the one who was unfit, I kept thinking maybe I was the one at fault not realizing you were just trying to pass time, you were just trying to heal your last hurt and I happened to be the most ready victim.

Hey, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve torn me into pieces and spit me out like I was worth nothing.

I hope you get what you deserve, I hope life doesn’t hit you as hard .

Overly Exaggerated Thoughts | RIP Ma

It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.

After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.

From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you.  Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.

I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.

I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.

Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.

I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.

 

Another Sappy Poem

I know you want your space and you do not want anything to do with me but I have never been this clueless.

Not even when I failed again and again
I can’t pinpoint exactly how I feel
It’s not happiness, it is not pain
I guess it is just your absence
Which is making itself known
Maybe this weird state of emptiness
Is my heart’s moan
But I don’t know what to do
I was hoping you have a solution
For my hollow heart and lost soul
I miss you

That Crazy Cab Driver.

Words with Rob:

At age 63, Robert a retired Social Worker turn cab-driver has most definitely seen it all. From he’s time has a cab driver to also he’s time as a cab driver. During my chat with him, he talked about his disastrous relationship with his ex-wife and daughters and he’s excellent relationship with his son but in my father’s case it’s a reversal of things in the sense that I have a disastrous relationship with him and he has a great relationship with his ex-wife (not my late mom) and his daughters.

During my conversation I got the sense that he had alot to share, from topics about religion to relationships which are two things I personally I’m very passionate about conversing on. When we spoke about religion, he had a very interesting take on the “Jewish vs Christian” debate, some of the points he made were very strong. For example, why is that Christians don’t believe in Judaism but worship **(Yassua) Jesus who just happened to be Jewish, or also the fact that Christians refer to (Yahweh) has God and also call **(Yassua) Jesus,but above all one thing that really stood to me was the fact that he had very solid points that will make for a very good conversation.

At first, Robert appeared to be this very angry and crazy guy but you can tell he’s someone who’s scorned and has probably been burned by alot of people or maybe he probably needs to get laid because he mentioned its been 32 years but this was probably one of the most interesting people have met so far this year. He’s view on religion is something I’d love to get more into, they were very insightful; this dude was hilarious like he needs his own show. Finally, what I got the most from his was a statement he made about he’s ex-wife and daughters; “he said even though my ex-wife and daughters hate and probably want to kill me, any day I pray or anytime I pray; I pray for them and for the betterness of them, that he may show them the light”. This shows that no matter how scorned he was his level of spirituality still put love in his heart and he had no reason to hate them. This shows that because of his faith this man had found peace within which is far more important than the outermost.

Brains Over Booty

Yes you got a fat ass but okay? Where is your brain at? What more do you have to offer? What else do you bring to the table? When the ass is gone what do you do? You go get refills or your life is just over?

I’ve never gotten the fascination with big butts, like don’t get me wrong its fun to stare at and it makes sex more fun but in the long run you get tired of it, well from my experience especially when they have nothing else to offer. Another thing I don’t understand is the women who believe their asses and body could get them through life, like don’t you realize looks fade away then after that what’s your back plan? What are you going to make of yourself? You do realize one that ass is gone all these fawning after you and willing to spend their wealth on you will disappear once that ass is gone.

Like I don’t understand this generation anymore what happened to the young black men and women who wanted to take over the world with their brains not bodies. Like Coretta was a beautiful woman but you never read about any stories of her sexualizing herself yet she had an impact on the world or yet in this day and age we have Oprah, so why is that women these days just want the easy way out? They want the fast money and easy money life style but they don’t realize the good money is the one you work hard for. It’s the one that helps you out in the long term, it’s the one that helps you out when your bones are weak and old age has taken effect.

People of this generation, especially the women, Please let us do better. Like a wise soul once said you educate a woman and you educate the world so please women of this generation understand that booty will bring you attention but brains will bring you power.

Apparently, I’m too emotional.

Matters of the heart are never easy, they’re never fun to discuss. Often times I find myself being unable to show case my emotions, due to the fact that once I express it, I’m labeled with some kind of name or I’m as seen as being too emotional and no guy likes to hear that. I remembered when I was younger, you were encouraged to express how you feel but this current generation: things just seem to be very different. No one wants to show their true emotions, everyone wants to have this tough guy or girl image and wants to be seen as someone who doesn’t give a f***.

For me after realizing how much better I’d feel after expressing my mind or my feelings about someone I decided I didn’t care about being seen as an “Emotional Bitch” as some of my friend’s labeled me.  After deciding to not be afraid to express my emotions I realized how happy it made, I realized it helped me get rid of my fear of rejection. Who says men can’t be emotional? Who said men shouldn’t be able to express how they feel? Like this is how some men get fucked over and become so emotionally distraught.

I recently expressed how I felt to someone who I had the biggest crush on and the way she rejected me was like the worst way ever, I got upset but you know what it made me feel a lot better because I know my mind was free. I got a sense of relief afterwards because I know now where she stands and I know where to move forward from. But, I still ponder like what made her not want anything with me or is that something is wrong with but I can’t really tell. I felt like we were connecting on the the deepest of levels but soon afterwards I could see her starting to pull back, I could tell her level of interest wasn’t as much as mine just because I expressed how I truly felt and what I wanted.

In other words, what I’m trying to say is never be afraid to express your true feelings, even though what you get back from it might not be what you want, just understand that Rejection is all part of the “game”. Life goes on.

Struggling To Find Balance

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.

The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships  and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.

I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.

Give Good Advice but Can’t Follow It Syndrome

I can’t be the only person who has this problem but one thing I know for sure is mine must be alot worse than others. I’m talking about the “Give Good Advice but Can’t Follow It Syndrome”. Like for example, I remember telling a friend “If you’re not being satisfied emotionally, sexually or intellectually, it’s probably time to move on. Ending a relationship is hard, but it’s sometimes the only correct thing to do. If you and your partner aren’t connecting on the most fundamental levels, it will be best for both of you to move on” but in previous relationships have had a very hard time doing this. You know its very easy to tell people to do this and that but when you put into perspective, its a lot harder for you to do the same thing probably because you don’t want to be in the same situation as that individual or probably because its extremely hard to put words into actions.

My problem with this is the fact that a lot of the advice I dish out what I believe is really good advice so why is it that I can’t follow them? It somewhat scares me because most of the time I find myself taking risk and making ridiculous mistakes which could have been avoided if only I heed my own advice. Another thing is that since I give out so much advice and see the mistakes my friends or people who come to ask me for this advice make, why is that I don’t take that has a warning sign or a sign not to run into the same trouble.

I wish I knew better is what I always end up saying but the truth is, I do know better and I could do better so why aren’t I? ……………………………………………………………To Be Continues\d

Beautiful Brown Baby

I can’t seem to imagine why anyone will feel like this is a compliment but if anyone ever called my baby that i’d be going crazy. I feel like most Caucasian think its perfectly fine to use this as a compliment but its not fine at all, like how will you feel if I called your white baby a “a beautiful milky baby” or a “beautiful creamy baby” I’m sure i’d get a weird stare or like a straight up ‘what the fuck” face . I honestly feel like race should never be brought up in a compliment because that is also a form of racism but this is just my opinion and it varies for everyone. Another compliment that bothers is ‘You’re really cute for a black girl” or “you have really nice hair for a black person”. Like this is in no form a compliment, Its racist and disrespectful. I don’t know who comes up with shit like this but I have a bigger problem with people who use it, I think anyone with any sense at all would understand that this is no form a compliment.

Please note that these are all my opinions but its different for everyone, but I’m sure every black person will agree with me on this,