Shoutout to Prozac

Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead. 

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Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

I am exhausted

My bones feel weakened, my body whimpers and mind lacks fluidity & sanity,My head is throbbing, it’s pounding, I feel like the world is stomping on me.

I’m freely falling no matter how hard I try to stay up, I am fatigued from helplessness.

I am tired of always trying, and never feeling I’ve done enough or I’m never good enough for anyone or myself especially.

I wish peoples ignorance wouldn’t affect my state of mind, but with a great deal of sadness it takes an heavy toll on me,

I’m strained from hearing lies, from those I admire and those I desire, it hurts to be let down by those who you thought were in your life to inspire you to be your best self.

I am drained the mental abuse I have consistently endured,

I am enervated from constant crying, Sadness has become my natural state 

I am just so exhausted

I feel like dying.

Wishing we never met..

Sitting here late at night,

Looking at this burning cigarette, as I think of everything I regret, starring at her face, wishing we never met,

What exactly have I done? Why did I ever get myself involved in the first place ? How did the manage to get this frozen heart to melt?

Now, I’m questioning myself like why didn’t you know better? Or if you’ve known better why didn’t you do better?

At this moment I can’t even trust myself or my own judgement, I can’t even trust my own words. I keep falling in out of trust and trying to rekindle lust in the name of love. I keep trying to burn a fire that was never lit. All this while I kept thinking I was the one who was unfit, I kept thinking maybe I was the one at fault not realizing you were just trying to pass time, you were just trying to heal your last hurt and I happened to be the most ready victim.

Hey, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve torn me into pieces and spit me out like I was worth nothing.

I hope you get what you deserve, I hope life doesn’t hit you as hard .

To be continued

Happiness at last? So it may seem,

I can see myself smiling all over again,

I can see my heart beating regularly again,

Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?

This day might just be a miracle in the making.

 

I woke up feeling rejuvenated,

I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,

So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.

I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.

 

I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,

It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.

The Let Down

It’s happening again I find myself breaking down, Drenched in tears and filled with rage and emotion but no one to talk,

I yell to the top of my voice because I don’t know what else to do,

Thoughts going back to old habits fill my brain,

What can I do to cure this pain?

My heart is aching, and my head is pounding, 

Ouch, I punched the feel to cure the rage but now I feel even more physical pain. 
I’m emotionally distraught, I’m mentally drained feeling like my world is derision. I could tell that I’ve fallen short of my expectations and feeling I haven’t done anything or won’t amount much. My confidence is all gone, and I know I’m lost at all odds.
I feel lost, I feel incomplete, 

How can this be, what has become of me? 

I find myself leaning on alcohol for self appreciation, 

No one around me knows because all they see is the show of a happy face I put on, 

When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a sad soul filled with torment.

I am a season nearing autumn, I am a leaf who’s frayed by the wind,

I have had the worst of luck on life,

I dream of dreams that will never be felt, I am a failure, Constantly messing up.

Probably never going to succeed,      I feel Pointless to try anymore.    I’m over life as it is and find myself in this dark place,

I’ve always been totally incompetent and very miserable,

Time to exit the stage because nothing could be done

Time to quit.

Overly Exaggerated Thoughts | RIP Ma

It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.

After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.

From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you.  Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.

I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.

I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.

Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.

I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.

 

Thoughts, It’s been a while

Thoughts
Vacant memories roam in my head
I wished that one numb thought, that you were dead
I’ve forgotten how to smile, I’ll send letters for a while
I’ll tell myself each step, on how to avoid help
And live through this moment, however painful it may be
Live through this
And marry the moment
Where you held on to yourself, truly

I won’t say sorry for what I did
I won’t say sorry for the words I said
Give me the furthest farewell
I knew you’d beckon the introverted shell
Well, I won’t say sorry
Not now
Never again
I will never say sorry for being who I am

I heard someone long gone mutter
To thine own self be true, I had always wondered
While counting seconds to a hundred
If the line spoke of a character similar to
The one whom I hoped death would capture and hold
For you shall never break the mold
The one whose own thoughts swam away from
Oceans away from what’s to become (of you)

Struggling To Find Balance

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.

The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships  and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.

I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.

2 Years Already, But It Feels Like Yesterday

I’m overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts of giving up, my heart can’t handle the pain and my head is slowly exploding. It’s been exactly 2 years today but now it feels a lot worse than it did the 1st year, is it because I’m lonelier and misguided than ever. I miss you Kehinde Ojoye words can’t describe, as I write these few words tears role down my eyes. Your love can never be replaced and no one can ever take your place, Oh!! How much I miss you, the alcohol and drugs can’t seem to numb the pain anymore and I can’t walking around and faking a smile.

I want to be happy without you, I want you to be proud of me. I want to know you’re watching over me and you’re with me so please give me a sign, I see you in my dreams and It gives me joy for a while but I still miss you and I’ll forever love you.