Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

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Overly Exaggerated Thoughts | RIP Ma

It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.

After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.

From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you.  Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.

I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.

I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.

Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.

I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.

 

Thoughts, It’s been a while

Thoughts
Vacant memories roam in my head
I wished that one numb thought, that you were dead
I’ve forgotten how to smile, I’ll send letters for a while
I’ll tell myself each step, on how to avoid help
And live through this moment, however painful it may be
Live through this
And marry the moment
Where you held on to yourself, truly

I won’t say sorry for what I did
I won’t say sorry for the words I said
Give me the furthest farewell
I knew you’d beckon the introverted shell
Well, I won’t say sorry
Not now
Never again
I will never say sorry for being who I am

I heard someone long gone mutter
To thine own self be true, I had always wondered
While counting seconds to a hundred
If the line spoke of a character similar to
The one whom I hoped death would capture and hold
For you shall never break the mold
The one whose own thoughts swam away from
Oceans away from what’s to become (of you)

Apparently, I’m too emotional.

Matters of the heart are never easy, they’re never fun to discuss. Often times I find myself being unable to show case my emotions, due to the fact that once I express it, I’m labeled with some kind of name or I’m as seen as being too emotional and no guy likes to hear that. I remembered when I was younger, you were encouraged to express how you feel but this current generation: things just seem to be very different. No one wants to show their true emotions, everyone wants to have this tough guy or girl image and wants to be seen as someone who doesn’t give a f***.

For me after realizing how much better I’d feel after expressing my mind or my feelings about someone I decided I didn’t care about being seen as an “Emotional Bitch” as some of my friend’s labeled me.  After deciding to not be afraid to express my emotions I realized how happy it made, I realized it helped me get rid of my fear of rejection. Who says men can’t be emotional? Who said men shouldn’t be able to express how they feel? Like this is how some men get fucked over and become so emotionally distraught.

I recently expressed how I felt to someone who I had the biggest crush on and the way she rejected me was like the worst way ever, I got upset but you know what it made me feel a lot better because I know my mind was free. I got a sense of relief afterwards because I know now where she stands and I know where to move forward from. But, I still ponder like what made her not want anything with me or is that something is wrong with but I can’t really tell. I felt like we were connecting on the the deepest of levels but soon afterwards I could see her starting to pull back, I could tell her level of interest wasn’t as much as mine just because I expressed how I truly felt and what I wanted.

In other words, what I’m trying to say is never be afraid to express your true feelings, even though what you get back from it might not be what you want, just understand that Rejection is all part of the “game”. Life goes on.

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way

We are always so obsessed with everything going so nice and smoothly and things going perfectly, but we should have learned, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Not every move you make can be calculated, sometimes it’s all about taking risks especially with dating.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way

 

2 Years Already, But It Feels Like Yesterday

I’m overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts of giving up, my heart can’t handle the pain and my head is slowly exploding. It’s been exactly 2 years today but now it feels a lot worse than it did the 1st year, is it because I’m lonelier and misguided than ever. I miss you Kehinde Ojoye words can’t describe, as I write these few words tears role down my eyes. Your love can never be replaced and no one can ever take your place, Oh!! How much I miss you, the alcohol and drugs can’t seem to numb the pain anymore and I can’t walking around and faking a smile.

I want to be happy without you, I want you to be proud of me. I want to know you’re watching over me and you’re with me so please give me a sign, I see you in my dreams and It gives me joy for a while but I still miss you and I’ll forever love you.

You can’t lie to yourself

Can no one see this smile I’m faking,
See how, inside, I’m constantly shaking?
These people all claim they know me well,
Yet no one can see through my crumbling shell?
“I’m fine”, I whisper, my sadness unknown,
They leave me to deal with this anguish alone.
I’ve hidden behind this wall most of my life,
I’ve managed so far, I’ve dealt with my strife.
Watching as, slowly, my blood leaks away,
It helps to keep life’s true horrors at bay.
I pull down my sleeve to cover my hurt,
For approaching footsteps, I’m on the alert.
I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, why can’t I fool me?

Women are crazy, Men are stupid

Men never  ever want to be sensitive. Men don’t want to cry. We don’t want to feel weak. Check that. We don’t want to actually be weak. Weak men aren’t respected by other men and weak men aren’t respected by women, either. You see a lot of women talk about how they want a sensitive and honest man but when they get man they complain about it. But who cares let me go on ramble about one of my biggest fears…

You know what scares me?, its the fact that people could be together for 20 or even 30 years and awaken to discover they don’t love each other anymore, or they never really loved each other but the other one just stuck it out because he or she felt pity for their spouse. Now this is what scares me. You’d wonder why does this scare me, well it scares me because I don’t want to end up and I don’t think anyone of us ever wants to be alone but its looking a possibility for many people. I recently read a couple of stories about some women who got married to themselves after waiting for Mr Right that never came and ever since then I’ve been thinking about this whole Love thing and this whole Monogamy thing. Like, is their really someone out there for everybody and are some people just brought to the world to be Lone-wolf’s.

During a conversation with a friend, she told me about how I shouldn’t be afraid of being alone that it could sometimes be a good thing but I thought how cold me just being by myself be something good? How could me just getting to know myself more be something good but I repeated that question over again and I realized that it would actually be a great thing, I decided to reduce my drinking ways and various stupid decisions. I realize now more than ever I have to get myself together and figure out what I want, no more taking stupid risks and no more getting people involved in it. I want every man to know that we all need to go through this phase, we all need to figure out what we want before we bring someone else along the ride with us.

There’s many confused men out here and they end up screwing over good women, and then we men end up crying about crazy women. When the truth is Women are crazy, Men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid. So please men everywhere get yourselves together before you go find a woman and make her crazy and ruin her for the man who she was meant to be with.

I Could Only Hope

I think about you

In the morning

Hoping that you

Find me charming

I think about you

In the afternoon

Hoping that I

Can meet you soon

I think about you

In the evening

Hoping that I

Can see you smiling

I think about you

In the middle of the night

Hoping that you

Understand my plight

I just can’t stop

Thinking about you

I just hope one day

You end up liking me too

Because of you, my trust has been smashed

I wish I never saw you on that fateful day

When you were looking so beautiful and stunning

Then my heart would have never gone astray

For you, desperately waiting and yearning

I wish the Gods had told me from the heavens above

That from you, I should stay away

With you, I wish I had never fallen in love

Then I would have never seen this day

Because of you, my heart is slashed

Because of you, my feelings are trashed

Because of you, my conscious is bashed

Because of you, my emotions are gashed

Because of you, my hopes and dreams are dashed

Because of you, my trust has been smashed

I hate you