Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who has done nothing but bring me and my loved ones nothing but pain and hurt.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who constantly finds new ways to kill the best of people.
Tell me I’m supposed to believe who has consistently let countries go to war or creates division over ways people worship him.
Tell me how I’m supposed to believe in a God who doesn’t seem to hear the cry of the poor but answers the call of the rich; because what we see the is the pockets of the rich getting fatter and their steadily getting better since they can afford the best health care, the best meals and the best lifestyle ; while the poor continue to have flatter pockets and get bigger in weight and their health depreciates because they can’t afford the best of everything.
Tell how I’m supposed to believe in a God who’s deserted me at my weakest.
Lately, I’ve met several like minded people who suffer from depression due to the passing of a loved one, or due to economic situations and these are people who believe in this God; now I ask if this man has done nothing but bring you hurt by taking away these loved or leave you in the worst financial situations; How am I supposed to believe in this God?
This fictional character is who I believe he his. It was a man-made system built to control us due to Human’s need for a constant belief system and a sense of guidance or the need to be followers in a general sense.
His name was used to capture my people slaves and lead into captivity and create a great division, yet he never did anything to stop it.
Tell me how am I supposed to believe in this God? Tell how exactly do you believe in one who has done nothing but consistently disappointed you?
I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,
I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,
I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,
I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.
Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.
I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.
You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,
You were everything I was looking for,
The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.
You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.
I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.
I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.
I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.
Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .
I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.
You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way
Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .
Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,
I hope I can start over somewhere new,
But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.
Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .
Happiness at last? So it may seem,
I can see myself smiling all over again,
I can see my heart beating regularly again,
Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?
This day might just be a miracle in the making.
I woke up feeling rejuvenated,
I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,
So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.
I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.
I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,
It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.
Sometimes I wonder how I feel about you,
Scared of these feelings because it’s still new
I catch myself thinking of the best way to share,
Hoping you’ll return my confession showing you care
And then I catch myself again… and drag my thoughts back to reality
I am back at square one, does this just happen to me?
Poems are so stupid I swear I would never do this
But this is YOU, and you aren’t like anyone I have met
How much longer do I have to write, can I tell you yet?
When I come back from my thoughts I feel more secure
But then I sleep… and the dreams of you occur
The dreams I have of you are so vivid and clear,
Dreams of you fighting with me against all odds stacked against me,
Dreams of you working with me to build a better me, honestly I can say
I feel TRUE happiness inside and that there is nothing to fear
People say dreams have underlying meanings and not to ignore them
I say we both know what they mean and now I want you to hear.
Just hear what I am about to say to you, feel it with my body, see it in my face,
Hear it in my words and tone when we converse, lay on my chest and feel my heartbeat to tune of your voice.
Do you actually like her? Or you like the way she makes your penis feel?
Do you actually care about her well-being or you only care about if she’s well with you?
Just waste her time and fill her with bogus stories, tell her what she wants to hear and fill her head with fake promises. Treat her like a princess but within your heart she’s just another one in a long line women will Serve under him.
Make her feel like she’s the only one, so whenever she does something wrong you play the victim and leave her with a heart filled with guilt and let her apologize.
After you’ve done this you get a sense you’re now in control and become a manipulative genius. You constantly mislead and make her feel you can’t do anything wrong, now that you have her heart make like she’s not good enough and will never be good for anyone else but you.
Her self-esteem is now low and she’s addicted to your lies and your bullshit and doesn’t realize you’re a no good, lying pathetic loser, but that’s perfectly fine because you’re already on to the next female doing the same exact routine but unfortunately, you met your match and she won’t fall your lies and your deceit, your games and manipulative ways. So you take your anger and frustration out of the princess who thinks you’re the best person ever; she’s angry and panicking, thinking what have I done wrong how can I please my ‘prince’, she runs to friends for help and while you run from bed to bed in search of something that is none existent.
Until one day you end it all. You let her know the truth, you apologize to her but it’s too late because you’ve created another broken woman, another angry woman, you’ve created another stereotypical angry black woman. You’ve helped this Queen loose her crown, but soon she’ll be back while you keep ruining more lives only failing to realize you’re ruining yours.
You are only making yourself into a damaged boy who will never get a basic understanding of an emotional connection or the joys of having someone who your Soul is tied to.
It’s 2am and I’m excited about visiting NYC again, even though it’s been only a month since I left but there’s an even bigger thought of what have I learnt since moving and has anything good come out me moving so far, and the answer is Yes. For the first time this year I could actually say I’m building a savings account and for the first time in 2 years I could finally say I live in a home. Now this statement doesn’t mean I’ve been homeless for two years which at some point in 2013 I was but it was more about the fact that wherever I laid my head in the past two years didn’t feel like but since I’ve been here in Raleigh, the joys of living with family has given me a “homely” feeling; which I dearly appreciate.
Now over the past month even with the joy of being around family, everyday has been a constant struggle because I feel very much out of place. The way people here think is different, the lifestyle here is different and it could be both a positive and a negative but I’ve come to the realization that I prefer the fast pace hustle and bustle craziness that NYC has to offer, like I love it so much I started to look for jobs in NYC again but I had to talk to myself and do some thinking and have come to realize that I am here for a purpose. I am here to better myself. I am here to spend some much needed time with family, I am here to find financial stability, I am here to find peace, I am here to find sanity and most of all I am here to find happiness and happiness does not come in one day, or one week or one month there’s no time limit to finding happiness so I will take my time and make the best out of this opportunity and create my own happiness and create my own financial stability and create my own Brand and also begin my search to a life time of gratification.
In life, to succeed and to win
First you must fight a battle within
Perseverance is the only thing
That will push you, like a spring
You must keep trying
You must keep pushing
If you want something real bad
Even if you feel tired and sad.
Never give up on the person you love
Never give up on your own life
Never give up on your dreams
Don’t quit in times of strife
Never give up on your wishes
Never give on your career
If you had lost faith earlier on
You wouldn’t have even reached here