Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

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Wishing we never met..

Sitting here late at night,

Looking at this burning cigarette, as I think of everything I regret, starring at her face, wishing we never met,

What exactly have I done? Why did I ever get myself involved in the first place ? How did the manage to get this frozen heart to melt?

Now, I’m questioning myself like why didn’t you know better? Or if you’ve known better why didn’t you do better?

At this moment I can’t even trust myself or my own judgement, I can’t even trust my own words. I keep falling in out of trust and trying to rekindle lust in the name of love. I keep trying to burn a fire that was never lit. All this while I kept thinking I was the one who was unfit, I kept thinking maybe I was the one at fault not realizing you were just trying to pass time, you were just trying to heal your last hurt and I happened to be the most ready victim.

Hey, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve torn me into pieces and spit me out like I was worth nothing.

I hope you get what you deserve, I hope life doesn’t hit you as hard .

To be continued

Happiness at last? So it may seem,

I can see myself smiling all over again,

I can see my heart beating regularly again,

Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?

This day might just be a miracle in the making.

 

I woke up feeling rejuvenated,

I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,

So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.

I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.

 

I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,

It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.

It can never be

I see you pass by And though I know 

It can never be 

My heart leaps. 
You talk to me 

And though I know 

You mean nothing 

My lips move, returning caressing words. 
My own selfish desire 

Is to hold you 

Until the world  

Comes to an end… 
But 
I see him 

Holding you 

Caressing with more than words. 
I see you 

Loving him. 
And though all I want 

Is your happiness 

My heart drops.

Waste Her Time.

Do you actually like her? Or you like the way she makes your penis feel?
Do you actually care about her well-being or you only care about if she’s well with you?

Just waste her time and fill her with bogus stories, tell her what she wants to hear and fill her head with fake promises. Treat her like a princess but within your heart she’s just another one in a long line women will Serve under him.

Make her feel like she’s the only one, so whenever she does something wrong you play the victim and leave her with a heart filled with guilt and let her apologize.
After you’ve done this you get a sense you’re now in control and become a manipulative genius. You constantly mislead and make her feel you can’t do anything wrong, now that you have her heart make like she’s not good enough and will never be good for anyone else but you.

Her self-esteem is now low and she’s addicted to your lies and your bullshit and doesn’t realize you’re a no good, lying pathetic loser, but that’s perfectly fine because you’re already on to the next female doing the same exact routine but unfortunately, you met your match and she won’t fall your lies and your deceit, your games and manipulative ways. So you take your anger and frustration out of the princess who thinks you’re the best person ever; she’s angry and panicking, thinking what have I done wrong how can I please my ‘prince’, she runs to friends for help and while you run from bed to bed in search of something that is none existent.

Until one day you end it all. You let her know the truth, you apologize to her but it’s too late because you’ve created another broken woman, another angry woman, you’ve created another stereotypical angry black woman. You’ve helped this Queen loose her crown, but soon she’ll be back while you keep ruining more lives only failing to realize you’re ruining yours.
You are only making yourself into a damaged boy who will never get a basic understanding of an emotional connection or the joys of having someone who your Soul is tied to.

Another Sappy Poem

I know you want your space and you do not want anything to do with me but I have never been this clueless.

Not even when I failed again and again
I can’t pinpoint exactly how I feel
It’s not happiness, it is not pain
I guess it is just your absence
Which is making itself known
Maybe this weird state of emptiness
Is my heart’s moan
But I don’t know what to do
I was hoping you have a solution
For my hollow heart and lost soul
I miss you

Thoughts, It’s been a while

Thoughts
Vacant memories roam in my head
I wished that one numb thought, that you were dead
I’ve forgotten how to smile, I’ll send letters for a while
I’ll tell myself each step, on how to avoid help
And live through this moment, however painful it may be
Live through this
And marry the moment
Where you held on to yourself, truly

I won’t say sorry for what I did
I won’t say sorry for the words I said
Give me the furthest farewell
I knew you’d beckon the introverted shell
Well, I won’t say sorry
Not now
Never again
I will never say sorry for being who I am

I heard someone long gone mutter
To thine own self be true, I had always wondered
While counting seconds to a hundred
If the line spoke of a character similar to
The one whom I hoped death would capture and hold
For you shall never break the mold
The one whose own thoughts swam away from
Oceans away from what’s to become (of you)

Apparently, I’m too emotional.

Matters of the heart are never easy, they’re never fun to discuss. Often times I find myself being unable to show case my emotions, due to the fact that once I express it, I’m labeled with some kind of name or I’m as seen as being too emotional and no guy likes to hear that. I remembered when I was younger, you were encouraged to express how you feel but this current generation: things just seem to be very different. No one wants to show their true emotions, everyone wants to have this tough guy or girl image and wants to be seen as someone who doesn’t give a f***.

For me after realizing how much better I’d feel after expressing my mind or my feelings about someone I decided I didn’t care about being seen as an “Emotional Bitch” as some of my friend’s labeled me.  After deciding to not be afraid to express my emotions I realized how happy it made, I realized it helped me get rid of my fear of rejection. Who says men can’t be emotional? Who said men shouldn’t be able to express how they feel? Like this is how some men get fucked over and become so emotionally distraught.

I recently expressed how I felt to someone who I had the biggest crush on and the way she rejected me was like the worst way ever, I got upset but you know what it made me feel a lot better because I know my mind was free. I got a sense of relief afterwards because I know now where she stands and I know where to move forward from. But, I still ponder like what made her not want anything with me or is that something is wrong with but I can’t really tell. I felt like we were connecting on the the deepest of levels but soon afterwards I could see her starting to pull back, I could tell her level of interest wasn’t as much as mine just because I expressed how I truly felt and what I wanted.

In other words, what I’m trying to say is never be afraid to express your true feelings, even though what you get back from it might not be what you want, just understand that Rejection is all part of the “game”. Life goes on.

Struggling To Find Balance

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.

The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships  and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.

I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way

We are always so obsessed with everything going so nice and smoothly and things going perfectly, but we should have learned, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Not every move you make can be calculated, sometimes it’s all about taking risks especially with dating.

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way