You’re missed!!

One of them is to just say that I am lost without your presence
Because every day goes by in a blur
As if life’s been covered by a thick frost
The other way to show you the state of my heart
Is to say that I feel like man who can’t dream
Memories and thoughts seem to just fly past

Even my soul is lifeless, without its gleam
In this hazy state, I have been
Since the day I let you walk away
I know I treated you in a way I shouldn’t have
I was wrong, I confess today that
I miss you

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Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

The DM

Laying down bored, scrolling on the gram, she popped up on that feed in a lovely dress, filling up every inch of that dress, and a smile filling every inch of my heart because it simply lit me up. 
As I scrolled through her pictures I saw a smile big enough heal a hurt, the more I looked the more I wanted all of what she’s got. 

And her melanin is so radiant; It shall remain a sexy dark chocolate throughout all the seasons. 

Your chocolate skin glistens once you waltz inside a room. Your chocolate skin is magnificent, it’s amazing to think God has blessed you with such melanin.

She probably about 5’10 and weighs and 100 and something, I kept calculating how much space she’ll take up if she was lying my bed next to I. 
She filled my mind with thoughts of wifing and taking her home this even before I said a word.

I dropped several DM’s eventually she answered, now we texting and I can see she’s so busy she ain’t got no time for nobody. Or maybe I just lack the proper words to enthuse her mind and maybe I just like all the other guys in her cell.
It hurts to think that I couldn’t pick the words, to sway you my way, it sucks that I’ve never gotten to have a regular conversation with you to break all those guards down and see behind all that confidence is some heavy flaws that make you into the strong queen you are.

I am exhausted

My bones feel weakened, my body whimpers and mind lacks fluidity & sanity,My head is throbbing, it’s pounding, I feel like the world is stomping on me.

I’m freely falling no matter how hard I try to stay up, I am fatigued from helplessness.

I am tired of always trying, and never feeling I’ve done enough or I’m never good enough for anyone or myself especially.

I wish peoples ignorance wouldn’t affect my state of mind, but with a great deal of sadness it takes an heavy toll on me,

I’m strained from hearing lies, from those I admire and those I desire, it hurts to be let down by those who you thought were in your life to inspire you to be your best self.

I am drained the mental abuse I have consistently endured,

I am enervated from constant crying, Sadness has become my natural state 

I am just so exhausted

I feel like dying.

“Land Of The Free”

Slowly, we’re a all being wiped out,

We’re not wanted,

They want to see us rage,

They want to see us fight back, so they can have a reason to slaughter us.
This isn’t our country and they want us to know that,

They brought us here at their own will, why? 

Just to use us and that they’re done they just want to dispose us,

Everyday another of us is killed, Every hour another of us is thrown jailed and lost in the system so we can fail.
We can shout and protest, but nothing has changed,

We can fight back but they have more weapons than us, 

They argue we kill ourselves but who gives us the weapons,

All we want is equality and peace,

All we want is to be accepted,

All we want it to be free in the “Land of the Free”

I Wonder

Not all who wander are lost.

Yet still, I wonder

where am I headed to, I have no clue?

But I know where I am,
I’m stuck in the moment, fighting to find my way, but yet I’m still so lost,

Lost in my thoughts.

Thoughts which range from “what’s for dinner?” to “why am I here?”
Ranging from shallow minded ignorant young Blackman to Young Woken brother on a mission?

My mind is jumping from leap to leap.
Leaving me confused and wondering, Where am I and where are we going? 

Then I realize, maybe I’m just a wanderer after all. A soul built to go where ever, whenever my heart desires.

Lost in the world. 

I don’t think have been this down in a long time, like my meds aren’t working and all I want to do is just stay in bed and cry. Like its so hard coming to work or going around like I’m good but I can’t even do it anymore and all the drinking isn’t helping anymore. I feel so weak and tired. For a second there I thought I was doing much better. I felt a momentum change, my heart was filled with joy but all of a sudden now I’m down again, filled with rage.I’ve punched the wall several times today from anger, my heart is filled with despair. I just want to getaway from everything, I work all time but I don’t see anything from it. I feel like such a waste and an under achiever, I overload myself with work not to think but just get up and work takes so much away from me. I don’t know what is wrong. I’m a walking cry for help, I’m such a lost soul and misguided sheep. I’m so lost and misguided; I’m walking cry for help. I’m such a lost soul. 

To be continued

Happiness at last? So it may seem,

I can see myself smiling all over again,

I can see my heart beating regularly again,

Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?

This day might just be a miracle in the making.

 

I woke up feeling rejuvenated,

I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,

So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.

I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.

 

I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,

It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.

The Let Down

It’s happening again I find myself breaking down, Drenched in tears and filled with rage and emotion but no one to talk,

I yell to the top of my voice because I don’t know what else to do,

Thoughts going back to old habits fill my brain,

What can I do to cure this pain?

My heart is aching, and my head is pounding, 

Ouch, I punched the feel to cure the rage but now I feel even more physical pain. 
I’m emotionally distraught, I’m mentally drained feeling like my world is derision. I could tell that I’ve fallen short of my expectations and feeling I haven’t done anything or won’t amount much. My confidence is all gone, and I know I’m lost at all odds.
I feel lost, I feel incomplete, 

How can this be, what has become of me? 

I find myself leaning on alcohol for self appreciation, 

No one around me knows because all they see is the show of a happy face I put on, 

When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a sad soul filled with torment.

I am a season nearing autumn, I am a leaf who’s frayed by the wind,

I have had the worst of luck on life,

I dream of dreams that will never be felt, I am a failure, Constantly messing up.

Probably never going to succeed,      I feel Pointless to try anymore.    I’m over life as it is and find myself in this dark place,

I’ve always been totally incompetent and very miserable,

Time to exit the stage because nothing could be done

Time to quit.

Story Time: Bad Kitty. 

Just the way we met alone was rather interesting, she took the first approach and complimented on how unattractive I looked but something was still pulling her to talk to me, and this was on public train. A few minutes after she said this my stop on the train approached and she agrees to get off at that stop so we could chat some more.
The conversations were kickass and may I say she was a beauty, the best part of it all was she understood that I didn’t want anything serious and we agreed to best FWB’s. After this agreement we set up a day for things to finally go down and on like anything else in my life at that moment I was counting down to this. 
This faithful Tuesday morning, she called me and said she was on her way with excitement in my voice. I yelled hell yes, 33minutes later she arrived and I was filled with Joy. Once she arrived I let her in and then ran to the bathroom, took a shower and brushed my teeth to make sure I was as fresh as she was. I got out and we got straight to it, a little kissing and biting( Just the way I like it). Finally, I took my towel off while she undressed, I asked to pull her pants and may I say when I did I wish I had never asked because all my excitement was shattered it was like something had pressed through my heart. An undesirable & indescribable odor came from below, it was like several fishes were killed and buried down there, tears rolled down my eyes I tied my towel and went out of the room. 
Minutes later I came back in and I think she got the point, with no words exchanged she got dressed, got her bag and left the room.
Nah bro, that thing was crazy stank.