Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

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To be continued

Happiness at last? So it may seem,

I can see myself smiling all over again,

I can see my heart beating regularly again,

Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?

This day might just be a miracle in the making.

 

I woke up feeling rejuvenated,

I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,

So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.

I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.

 

I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,

It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.

Overly Exaggerated Thoughts | RIP Ma

It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.

After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.

From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you.  Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.

I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.

I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.

Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.

I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.

 

Besides me is were you belong.

Lying in a meadow,
Hiding in the grass.
Staring at the stars,
But a thought distracts me.
All I think about is you, and
The way you make me feel.

I love the way you smile,
I love the way you laugh,
I love the way your eyes glitter,
When you are standing in the light.

I love the way you we talk for hours,
I love the way you listen.
I love the way we stay on the phone for hours,
But say nothing at all.

I love the way you stand up for me,
I love the way you tease me.
I love the way you say hello,
Every morning I walk in.
Most of all I love the way you stay by me,
No matter where I am.

So next time when I am lying in a meadow,
And I’m hiding in the grass.
When I’m staring at the stars,
You will be besides me…

Yemi Osibogun
www.nappyzeus.com

Nothing Makes Sense: Part 2

Lately, its been extremely hard for me to put my thoughts together, I find myself being upset for reasons I cant explain and happy for reasons I didn’t even know could excite me. I’ll put as have been emotionally unstable from trying to deal with my Personal as well as Professional problems but for some reason they all intertwine, like i try to wonder why they do because in the past that never happened but now its an everyday thing and its beginning to bother me alot.
For example, this past week on Wednesday I was a pretty good day until I got to work then an incident occurred and it messed up my whole mood which is quite unusual, then the day afterwards i had gotten into an argument with former friend and that messed up my work ethic which is something that had never occurred in the past. So I had to take time out and think to myself, what is going on ? And i realized all along the answer was right in front of me, i was simply overwhelmed. I realized that I’m trying to too many things at one time, like its impossible to do it all. Most especially when you’re trying to do it yourself like it doesn’t hurt to ask for help sometime or just take things nice and slow, because no man can do it all, no man has all the answers so it doesn’t hurt to ask for help.

How come now that i’ve come to realize that we all need help and I want the help, no one wants to anymore? I remember when everyone did offer a helping hand, I always said I was good, I guess they all believed so and walked away because “I was good”. Well the truth is i’m not good and if you look deep into my eyes I am crying for help, someone to take away my misery and help get rid of all the hurt, or maybe I just need some to get rid of my loneliness or maybe I don’t need anyone and I’m just caught up in the moment but I do know I need help, I need some kind of help. I just want to find a way because right now, NOTHING MAKES SENSE AT ALL.

Dear Black America,

Does anyone realize what they have done to us?
They have systematically done a great of separating the Black Community. They take the lives of black men and take us out of our homes by throwing us in Jail, they constantly sexualize African American females and also paint them as the national symbol for single mothers their by making it seem like a norm for the next generation of Young Black Women. They provide them with the adequate support making sure they have the, “I can do it all by myself mentality which leads Broken homes. This is what drives some black men to date women of other races; there by they are successful in splitting us up once again. They have found a way to make us hate each other by classifying “The Light Skin vs Dark Skin”. You think we elected a black president? NO, WE DIDN’T. He was handed to us so it will create more division and so we can be split into two based on the decisions he makes. Listen here people, we have to be wise, we have to stand together before we’re broken apart.

So Many Questions, Not So Many Answers

Love. Is that what I crave?

If it is, then why can’t I find it?

Hate. Does that mean anger?

If it does, then why do I feel hollow?

Pain. Does that mean suffering?

If it does, then why does it feel comforting?

Stress. Does that mean constant worrying?

If it does, why does my mind feel so peaceful?

Memories. Are they not images of the past?

If they are, why is there only shadows?

Smiles. Does that mean happiness?

If it does, then why does it hurt?

Life. What does it mean?

Should it mean any of these things?

If it doesn’t, then why are they there?

My Current MindFrame : Nothing Makes Sense

I received an email from an old friend today, it was about how much he missed our friendship and to let me know he was proud of all the good work I was doing. When I read this I thought to myself, what? What good work? What should I keep up? I don’t know if I’m crazy or something is wrong with me but i don’t think I’m doing that great, actually I ain’t doing anything. I know what I am capable of and I know how much I could be doing alot better but I’m not living to my full potential.
My biggest problem is I am my own biggest critic so its hard for me to be satisfied with anything I do, I know this is hard for me to admit but another problem I deal with is also the fact that I yearn for approval from people I look up to, its like I need some kind of verification to be satisfied and that alone bothers me alot. Like why do I need someone else to tell me I’m doing great for me to think I am. Another one of my problems is my fear of loneliness, like its a huge problem for me and it is one of the reasons I haven’t been living to my full potential. It’s really hard to do anything when you have no one there and this is how I feel most of the time, I feel very alone and very misguided. Loneliness leads to sadness and sadness leads to depression. Depression is a bitch and it basically takes over you, it makes it hard for you to do anything, like no matter what you’re doing you just feel very unhappy and disgruntled. As this is my current state.

IT TAKES TIME

It takes time, it doesn’t just happen in a day or two, it takes hard work and persistence. These are the exact words I have to repeat to myself everytime I get frustrated, now I don’t mean getting frustrated over my personal life I mean getting frustrated over my career not going the way I want it to go. It’s been very hard for me to accept the fact that I can’t start living out my dreams just yet and I have no one else but myself to blame for that, because at one point I was doing really good things were going great and i was excelling at everything I laid my hands on, until March 3, 2013 when my mom passed away from that day things went downhill. It’s been a daily struggle getting over her death and its taking a big toll on my work ethic because now I have no one to consult for career advice and I also feel like I’m making the wrong decision most of the time, this is due to lack of confidence  which makes it super hard to do anything.

I’ve been told by many to get over it and move on or many also don’t dwell on the past but how do you that when you can’t out do most of your past achievements. Another thing that people say that kills me is do what makes you happy, how am I supposed to do that with so limited resources and sadly, most of my joy came from my mother so now I’m stuck here ; miserable, confused and depressed.I sure hope that one day i’ll learn to let go off the past and also develop the patience it takes to be successful but till then I am going stress a bit, be frustrated from time to time and dwell on the “dang, I used to be the man moments’.

HELL WELCOMES A NEW PRINCE

The blade isn’t cold anymore,                                                                                                      so I pick up a lighter to burn my skin,                                                                                     the lovely feeling I get from the fire burning me up,                                                             so I go straight for my neck as my skin slowly melts.

Burn, Burn, let it burn is all I think to myself,                                                                   finally, the candle goes off and all I feel is pain,                                                                pain the best feeling of all, how much I love thee,                                                                   I should bathe in bowl of diesel and set myself on fire.

Oh fire, how much the site of you turns me on,                                                                      I’d love to swim in a pool of fire maybe it’d wipe away my pain,                                      I’d love to spend years in hell, maybe that’s where I belong,                                                I hate that you can’t be a constant part of me.

To everyone who’s ever broken my heart thank you,                                                           to everyone who’s ever toyed with my emotions; thank you,                                           for without you I would have never found my love “Fire”,                                                     I hope these few words can explain my love for you.

One day, I’d get the courage to end it all,                                                                               save myself and many others from any mischief I could create,                                     I’ll wake up one day and burn my skin slowly,                                                                       sit in my room, Pour some gas on the floor, light a match and Burn it all.

On that day, I make love for the burn official,                                                                         On that day I’ll end it all, I know so many people will be joyous,                                     On that day I’ll ascend to the ultimate burn the place I belong,                                       On that day Hell will welcome a new Prince.