Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

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Another Sappy Poem

I know you want your space and you do not want anything to do with me but I have never been this clueless.

Not even when I failed again and again
I can’t pinpoint exactly how I feel
It’s not happiness, it is not pain
I guess it is just your absence
Which is making itself known
Maybe this weird state of emptiness
Is my heart’s moan
But I don’t know what to do
I was hoping you have a solution
For my hollow heart and lost soul
I miss you

Apparently, I’m too emotional.

Matters of the heart are never easy, they’re never fun to discuss. Often times I find myself being unable to show case my emotions, due to the fact that once I express it, I’m labeled with some kind of name or I’m as seen as being too emotional and no guy likes to hear that. I remembered when I was younger, you were encouraged to express how you feel but this current generation: things just seem to be very different. No one wants to show their true emotions, everyone wants to have this tough guy or girl image and wants to be seen as someone who doesn’t give a f***.

For me after realizing how much better I’d feel after expressing my mind or my feelings about someone I decided I didn’t care about being seen as an “Emotional Bitch” as some of my friend’s labeled me.  After deciding to not be afraid to express my emotions I realized how happy it made, I realized it helped me get rid of my fear of rejection. Who says men can’t be emotional? Who said men shouldn’t be able to express how they feel? Like this is how some men get fucked over and become so emotionally distraught.

I recently expressed how I felt to someone who I had the biggest crush on and the way she rejected me was like the worst way ever, I got upset but you know what it made me feel a lot better because I know my mind was free. I got a sense of relief afterwards because I know now where she stands and I know where to move forward from. But, I still ponder like what made her not want anything with me or is that something is wrong with but I can’t really tell. I felt like we were connecting on the the deepest of levels but soon afterwards I could see her starting to pull back, I could tell her level of interest wasn’t as much as mine just because I expressed how I truly felt and what I wanted.

In other words, what I’m trying to say is never be afraid to express your true feelings, even though what you get back from it might not be what you want, just understand that Rejection is all part of the “game”. Life goes on.

Struggling To Find Balance

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It’s like instead of me trying to move on with my life, I’m always trying to find a replacement for everything . Examples are finding a replacement for my old Job that I had way back in 2012-2013, for my mom who passed away and for my ex-girlfriend who’s moved on with her life.

The saddest part about all of this is while trying to find a replacement; I end up ruining myself and other good people that might have come along. Also, this is just more proof that I have yet to find myself.So I’m left asking myself, why do I have this need to be with someone else and why should I want to? Then I realized I have created a pattern for myself. Actually, not a pattern but a bad habit of throwing myself into relationships  and not giving myself a break in between. Most times it’s never serious but when it does reach that point, I have no idea of what to do or how to handle it.

I’ve been told the first step is admitting I have a problem but the issue is, how do I fix it? It’s always easier said then done. Ever since my mother passed, I’ve tried finding different ways to replace the void she left. I turned to alcohol and sex, but those things helped temporarily. I also began dating rapidly to take my mind off of everything, but now it has all backfired and I need to be by myself. I need to learn to be happy by myself, with myself and also understand that I don’t need sex or alcohol to make me feel better. I need to find what makes me happy, and instead of searching for who can make me happy, I need to be responsible for my own happiness.

All I can say is I tried, I tried and I tried..

All I can say is I tried.

My best, my hardest.
I tried to love you and now get over you.
It won’t fade, I can’t seem to let go
Let go of the past I regret it.

I let you down I pushed you out.
My deepest thoughts were consumed with doubt.
Fear of a let down or something real
I didn’t know just what to feel.

When the confusion was lifted and I reached for you
there was nothing left just a stunning view
Moments and moments passed but next thing I know
I went from first to last

You say I’m just a friend
I can’t even begin to pretend
I’m OK with a chat or you stealing my hat
but i’m lying here lifeless face down on the mat

A knockout blow
I’ve never been so low
You used to be my everything but now you’re just another “thot”
I remember when I used to say princess you’re all I got

I tried to make you see
how much you mean to me
you stood there stone cold
and it has really gotten old

You know i see right through you
and what you think is best for you
but one again the future repeats the past
will this stubbornness really last

All I can say is I tried, I tried and I tried..

Women are crazy, Men are stupid

Men never  ever want to be sensitive. Men don’t want to cry. We don’t want to feel weak. Check that. We don’t want to actually be weak. Weak men aren’t respected by other men and weak men aren’t respected by women, either. You see a lot of women talk about how they want a sensitive and honest man but when they get man they complain about it. But who cares let me go on ramble about one of my biggest fears…

You know what scares me?, its the fact that people could be together for 20 or even 30 years and awaken to discover they don’t love each other anymore, or they never really loved each other but the other one just stuck it out because he or she felt pity for their spouse. Now this is what scares me. You’d wonder why does this scare me, well it scares me because I don’t want to end up and I don’t think anyone of us ever wants to be alone but its looking a possibility for many people. I recently read a couple of stories about some women who got married to themselves after waiting for Mr Right that never came and ever since then I’ve been thinking about this whole Love thing and this whole Monogamy thing. Like, is their really someone out there for everybody and are some people just brought to the world to be Lone-wolf’s.

During a conversation with a friend, she told me about how I shouldn’t be afraid of being alone that it could sometimes be a good thing but I thought how cold me just being by myself be something good? How could me just getting to know myself more be something good but I repeated that question over again and I realized that it would actually be a great thing, I decided to reduce my drinking ways and various stupid decisions. I realize now more than ever I have to get myself together and figure out what I want, no more taking stupid risks and no more getting people involved in it. I want every man to know that we all need to go through this phase, we all need to figure out what we want before we bring someone else along the ride with us.

There’s many confused men out here and they end up screwing over good women, and then we men end up crying about crazy women. When the truth is Women are crazy, Men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid. So please men everywhere get yourselves together before you go find a woman and make her crazy and ruin her for the man who she was meant to be with.

Nothing Makes Sense: Part 2

Lately, its been extremely hard for me to put my thoughts together, I find myself being upset for reasons I cant explain and happy for reasons I didn’t even know could excite me. I’ll put as have been emotionally unstable from trying to deal with my Personal as well as Professional problems but for some reason they all intertwine, like i try to wonder why they do because in the past that never happened but now its an everyday thing and its beginning to bother me alot.
For example, this past week on Wednesday I was a pretty good day until I got to work then an incident occurred and it messed up my whole mood which is quite unusual, then the day afterwards i had gotten into an argument with former friend and that messed up my work ethic which is something that had never occurred in the past. So I had to take time out and think to myself, what is going on ? And i realized all along the answer was right in front of me, i was simply overwhelmed. I realized that I’m trying to too many things at one time, like its impossible to do it all. Most especially when you’re trying to do it yourself like it doesn’t hurt to ask for help sometime or just take things nice and slow, because no man can do it all, no man has all the answers so it doesn’t hurt to ask for help.

How come now that i’ve come to realize that we all need help and I want the help, no one wants to anymore? I remember when everyone did offer a helping hand, I always said I was good, I guess they all believed so and walked away because “I was good”. Well the truth is i’m not good and if you look deep into my eyes I am crying for help, someone to take away my misery and help get rid of all the hurt, or maybe I just need some to get rid of my loneliness or maybe I don’t need anyone and I’m just caught up in the moment but I do know I need help, I need some kind of help. I just want to find a way because right now, NOTHING MAKES SENSE AT ALL.

So Many Questions, Not So Many Answers

Love. Is that what I crave?

If it is, then why can’t I find it?

Hate. Does that mean anger?

If it does, then why do I feel hollow?

Pain. Does that mean suffering?

If it does, then why does it feel comforting?

Stress. Does that mean constant worrying?

If it does, why does my mind feel so peaceful?

Memories. Are they not images of the past?

If they are, why is there only shadows?

Smiles. Does that mean happiness?

If it does, then why does it hurt?

Life. What does it mean?

Should it mean any of these things?

If it doesn’t, then why are they there?

HELL WELCOMES A NEW PRINCE

The blade isn’t cold anymore,                                                                                                      so I pick up a lighter to burn my skin,                                                                                     the lovely feeling I get from the fire burning me up,                                                             so I go straight for my neck as my skin slowly melts.

Burn, Burn, let it burn is all I think to myself,                                                                   finally, the candle goes off and all I feel is pain,                                                                pain the best feeling of all, how much I love thee,                                                                   I should bathe in bowl of diesel and set myself on fire.

Oh fire, how much the site of you turns me on,                                                                      I’d love to swim in a pool of fire maybe it’d wipe away my pain,                                      I’d love to spend years in hell, maybe that’s where I belong,                                                I hate that you can’t be a constant part of me.

To everyone who’s ever broken my heart thank you,                                                           to everyone who’s ever toyed with my emotions; thank you,                                           for without you I would have never found my love “Fire”,                                                     I hope these few words can explain my love for you.

One day, I’d get the courage to end it all,                                                                               save myself and many others from any mischief I could create,                                     I’ll wake up one day and burn my skin slowly,                                                                       sit in my room, Pour some gas on the floor, light a match and Burn it all.

On that day, I make love for the burn official,                                                                         On that day I’ll end it all, I know so many people will be joyous,                                     On that day I’ll ascend to the ultimate burn the place I belong,                                       On that day Hell will welcome a new Prince.

 

Suicide Note: Part 2

Off to the emptiness
where I am widely invited.
I do hope loneliness
will consume my soul.

Away the hurt will go.
No more aches because
the dulling numbness,
will take away my feel.

Stretching long and far
is my path,
leading to a place
hoarding the lowest of lows.

One more companion
to guide my way.
I do hope
She doesn’t shun my choice.

Crawling through the years,
peaking upwards
through the vents,
I see the world as it is.

To people pay no attention
the reflection I see.
Only showing dirt,
hopelessness, and debris.

Alas they only see
what is shown to them.
No second glance
of reconsideration.

Warmth and comfort,
turn to foreign concepts.
Taking their place,
hurt and sorrow.

What will become
of my murky reflection,
Tainted? Stained?
Forgotten.

Would it be easier,
to just accept?
Skip the pain
right to the killing.

Tear off the leftover shreds
of my feelings.
Plunge into darkness,
hopefully to resurface