Shoutout to Prozac

Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead. 

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Thank You For Nothing

I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,

I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,

I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,

I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.

Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.

I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.

You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,

You were everything I was looking for,

The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.

You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.

I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.

I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.

I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.

Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .

I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.

You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way

Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .

Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,

I hope I can start over somewhere new,

But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.

Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .

The DM

Laying down bored, scrolling on the gram, she popped up on that feed in a lovely dress, filling up every inch of that dress, and a smile filling every inch of my heart because it simply lit me up. 
As I scrolled through her pictures I saw a smile big enough heal a hurt, the more I looked the more I wanted all of what she’s got. 

And her melanin is so radiant; It shall remain a sexy dark chocolate throughout all the seasons. 

Your chocolate skin glistens once you waltz inside a room. Your chocolate skin is magnificent, it’s amazing to think God has blessed you with such melanin.

She probably about 5’10 and weighs and 100 and something, I kept calculating how much space she’ll take up if she was lying my bed next to I. 
She filled my mind with thoughts of wifing and taking her home this even before I said a word.

I dropped several DM’s eventually she answered, now we texting and I can see she’s so busy she ain’t got no time for nobody. Or maybe I just lack the proper words to enthuse her mind and maybe I just like all the other guys in her cell.
It hurts to think that I couldn’t pick the words, to sway you my way, it sucks that I’ve never gotten to have a regular conversation with you to break all those guards down and see behind all that confidence is some heavy flaws that make you into the strong queen you are.

I sit here quietly and watch the sun set, thinking of someone that I’ve never met.

I wonder does she think of me too, Its rather strange but I get constant thoughts of her.
I long to hold her and to put her smile on her face, I want to simply take away all her pain, to a better place is where I desire to take her, 

She feels so right, almost to good to be true, She carries herself with so much plight, a sight to behold,  

I just can’t stop thinking of you.

My head toys with me when I say I’m crushing on you because my heart is longing for a girl I’ve not met

I say there is nothing I can do, I cannot help thinking of you

I believe we were made to help heal each other , but wonder if that could possibly be.

I’m tired of being so alone and blue

But I always smile when thinking of you.

Poems are stupid, Not!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder how I feel about you,
Scared of these feelings because it’s still new
I catch myself thinking of the best way to share,
Hoping you’ll return my confession showing you care
And then I catch myself again… and drag my thoughts back to reality
I am back at square one, does this just happen to me?

Poems are so stupid I swear I would never do this
But this is YOU, and you aren’t like anyone I have met
How much longer do I have to write, can I tell you yet?
When I come back from my thoughts I feel more secure
But then I sleep… and the dreams of you occur

The dreams I have of you are so vivid and clear,
Dreams of you fighting with me against all odds stacked against me,
Dreams of you working with me to build a better me, honestly I can say
I feel TRUE happiness inside and that there is nothing to fear
People say dreams have underlying meanings and not to ignore them
I say we both know what they mean and now I want you to hear.

Just hear what I am about to say to you, feel it with my body, see it in my face,
Hear it in my words and tone when we converse, lay on my chest and feel my heartbeat to tune of your voice.

It can never be

I see you pass by And though I know 

It can never be 

My heart leaps. 
You talk to me 

And though I know 

You mean nothing 

My lips move, returning caressing words. 
My own selfish desire 

Is to hold you 

Until the world  

Comes to an end… 
But 
I see him 

Holding you 

Caressing with more than words. 
I see you 

Loving him. 
And though all I want 

Is your happiness 

My heart drops.

Overly Exaggerated Thoughts | RIP Ma

It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.

After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.

From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you.  Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.

I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.

I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.

Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.

I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.

 

BAKED GOOD

Those lips, those lips of yours command attention,                                                                                          But what comes out of them keeps the attention, your ability to linger proper dialogue,                    Your voice something about it reminds of a lark, but you don’t even sing.

Those hips, those hips are more figured than a cursive 8,                                                                             She has the power to calculate a mans intentions to divide and multiply by any means of sequence.                                                                                                                                                                    Because her breasts are filled with the curiosity to make a man think, think thoughts couldn’t be sung.

The only thing missing to this wonderful work of art is his hands wrapped around her and holding her in comfort.

The fiercest and most Feisty of them all, thank God for creating a beauty with such dominance with morals & high intelligent quotient
Pliable enough to put cracks and breakthrough any impalpable heart.

Another Sappy Poem

I know you want your space and you do not want anything to do with me but I have never been this clueless.

Not even when I failed again and again
I can’t pinpoint exactly how I feel
It’s not happiness, it is not pain
I guess it is just your absence
Which is making itself known
Maybe this weird state of emptiness
Is my heart’s moan
But I don’t know what to do
I was hoping you have a solution
For my hollow heart and lost soul
I miss you

Thoughts, It’s been a while

Thoughts
Vacant memories roam in my head
I wished that one numb thought, that you were dead
I’ve forgotten how to smile, I’ll send letters for a while
I’ll tell myself each step, on how to avoid help
And live through this moment, however painful it may be
Live through this
And marry the moment
Where you held on to yourself, truly

I won’t say sorry for what I did
I won’t say sorry for the words I said
Give me the furthest farewell
I knew you’d beckon the introverted shell
Well, I won’t say sorry
Not now
Never again
I will never say sorry for being who I am

I heard someone long gone mutter
To thine own self be true, I had always wondered
While counting seconds to a hundred
If the line spoke of a character similar to
The one whom I hoped death would capture and hold
For you shall never break the mold
The one whose own thoughts swam away from
Oceans away from what’s to become (of you)