Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,
I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,
I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,
I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.
Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.
I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.
You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,
You were everything I was looking for,
The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.
You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.
I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.
I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.
I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.
Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .
I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.
You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way
Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .
Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,
I hope I can start over somewhere new,
But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.
Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .
My bones feel weakened, my body whimpers and mind lacks fluidity & sanity,My head is throbbing, it’s pounding, I feel like the world is stomping on me.
I’m freely falling no matter how hard I try to stay up, I am fatigued from helplessness.
I am tired of always trying, and never feeling I’ve done enough or I’m never good enough for anyone or myself especially.
I wish peoples ignorance wouldn’t affect my state of mind, but with a great deal of sadness it takes an heavy toll on me,
I’m strained from hearing lies, from those I admire and those I desire, it hurts to be let down by those who you thought were in your life to inspire you to be your best self.
I am drained the mental abuse I have consistently endured,
I am enervated from constant crying, Sadness has become my natural state
I am just so exhausted
I feel like dying.
Sitting here late at night,
Looking at this burning cigarette, as I think of everything I regret, starring at her face, wishing we never met,
What exactly have I done? Why did I ever get myself involved in the first place ? How did the manage to get this frozen heart to melt?
Now, I’m questioning myself like why didn’t you know better? Or if you’ve known better why didn’t you do better?
At this moment I can’t even trust myself or my own judgement, I can’t even trust my own words. I keep falling in out of trust and trying to rekindle lust in the name of love. I keep trying to burn a fire that was never lit. All this while I kept thinking I was the one who was unfit, I kept thinking maybe I was the one at fault not realizing you were just trying to pass time, you were just trying to heal your last hurt and I happened to be the most ready victim.
Hey, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve torn me into pieces and spit me out like I was worth nothing.
I hope you get what you deserve, I hope life doesn’t hit you as hard .
I don’t think have been this down in a long time, like my meds aren’t working and all I want to do is just stay in bed and cry. Like its so hard coming to work or going around like I’m good but I can’t even do it anymore and all the drinking isn’t helping anymore. I feel so weak and tired. For a second there I thought I was doing much better. I felt a momentum change, my heart was filled with joy but all of a sudden now I’m down again, filled with rage.I’ve punched the wall several times today from anger, my heart is filled with despair. I just want to getaway from everything, I work all time but I don’t see anything from it. I feel like such a waste and an under achiever, I overload myself with work not to think but just get up and work takes so much away from me. I don’t know what is wrong. I’m a walking cry for help, I’m such a lost soul and misguided sheep. I’m so lost and misguided; I’m walking cry for help. I’m such a lost soul.
Happiness at last? So it may seem,
I can see myself smiling all over again,
I can see my heart beating regularly again,
Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?
This day might just be a miracle in the making.
I woke up feeling rejuvenated,
I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,
So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.
I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.
I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,
It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.
It’s happening again I find myself breaking down, Drenched in tears and filled with rage and emotion but no one to talk,
I yell to the top of my voice because I don’t know what else to do,
Thoughts going back to old habits fill my brain,
What can I do to cure this pain?
My heart is aching, and my head is pounding,
Ouch, I punched the feel to cure the rage but now I feel even more physical pain.
I’m emotionally distraught, I’m mentally drained feeling like my world is derision. I could tell that I’ve fallen short of my expectations and feeling I haven’t done anything or won’t amount much. My confidence is all gone, and I know I’m lost at all odds.
I feel lost, I feel incomplete,
How can this be, what has become of me?
I find myself leaning on alcohol for self appreciation,
No one around me knows because all they see is the show of a happy face I put on,
When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a sad soul filled with torment.
I am a season nearing autumn, I am a leaf who’s frayed by the wind,
I have had the worst of luck on life,
I dream of dreams that will never be felt, I am a failure, Constantly messing up.
Probably never going to succeed, I feel Pointless to try anymore. I’m over life as it is and find myself in this dark place,
I’ve always been totally incompetent and very miserable,
Time to exit the stage because nothing could be done
Time to quit.
Not a day goes by without a thought of you.Most of the time they are happy thoughts,
Thoughts of how great things were,
Thoughts of how I was once a happy child with a bright future,
Eventually all those joyous thoughts go away, and I fade into darkness,
You really are gone, you’re not here anymore,
I feel so alone, whenever this thought hits me,
My bestfriend is gone, so now I drown in my thoughts,
Slowly trying to move on without you mother,
Every moment I wish you were here,
Your love was selfless, your heart was warming no matter what.
You made me feel like I belong ,
You made me feel like I could do anything,
You were my source of my motivation and all that is now dust,
Do I still matter?, Will I ever be something?
I can’t help but wonder if you’re still around,
Do you see me breakdown and cry?
Do you hear my prayers?
Do you see me quiver in fear of me not amounting to anything?
Are you proud of me?
Why won’t you answer my calls for you?
I want you to show me sign that you’re here,
I’ve been waiting for an answer, but even though I get no reply I’ll keep trying.
I saw you in my dream the other day, but you never altered a word,
Is that the sign I needed all along that you’re still around, but I may never know I’ve realized.
The rest of the world celebrate mothers and spend time with theirs, I’m left dealing with tears all I can do is think of the memories we had,
I’m happy glad we created those memories, you were more than a mother to me and I’m happy you birth me.
Do you actually like her? Or you like the way she makes your penis feel?
Do you actually care about her well-being or you only care about if she’s well with you?
Just waste her time and fill her with bogus stories, tell her what she wants to hear and fill her head with fake promises. Treat her like a princess but within your heart she’s just another one in a long line women will Serve under him.
Make her feel like she’s the only one, so whenever she does something wrong you play the victim and leave her with a heart filled with guilt and let her apologize.
After you’ve done this you get a sense you’re now in control and become a manipulative genius. You constantly mislead and make her feel you can’t do anything wrong, now that you have her heart make like she’s not good enough and will never be good for anyone else but you.
Her self-esteem is now low and she’s addicted to your lies and your bullshit and doesn’t realize you’re a no good, lying pathetic loser, but that’s perfectly fine because you’re already on to the next female doing the same exact routine but unfortunately, you met your match and she won’t fall your lies and your deceit, your games and manipulative ways. So you take your anger and frustration out of the princess who thinks you’re the best person ever; she’s angry and panicking, thinking what have I done wrong how can I please my ‘prince’, she runs to friends for help and while you run from bed to bed in search of something that is none existent.
Until one day you end it all. You let her know the truth, you apologize to her but it’s too late because you’ve created another broken woman, another angry woman, you’ve created another stereotypical angry black woman. You’ve helped this Queen loose her crown, but soon she’ll be back while you keep ruining more lives only failing to realize you’re ruining yours.
You are only making yourself into a damaged boy who will never get a basic understanding of an emotional connection or the joys of having someone who your Soul is tied to.
It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.
After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.
From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you. Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.
I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.
I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.
Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.
I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.