Today makes it exactly 2 years that I’ve been anti-depressants, Man it hasn’t been easy because the side effects have been crazy but I’m elated that I started taking them but sadly I’m not right without them. I remember slashing myself with a blade about 3 years ago because I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I’m happy I met some amazing people who pushed to go get help and I must say ever since I started making my meds I’ve been feeling much better but mentally that process has been very difficult. There have been days I cried for about 6 hours and some days I’m so happy and filled with joy you’d think I was high. I remember telling some of my ‘friends &a family ‘that I was depressed and they’d try to convince me that it was all in my head, I almost believed but thanks to this lovely lady named Liz Sawyer, I forced myself to get help and boy I’m happy I did. I’m not close to where I want to be but I can say compared to this date 2 years ago I am much better, I am glad to be where I am right now and I can only hope I continue to make forward progress, it’s still a long ass road but I’m happy with where I am and extremely excited for what is ahead.
I have tried overcoming the heartache you brought on me,
I have tried to get my confidence back and also rebuild my self-esteem,
I’ve always seen my person as a great person but after meeting you and dealing with you I question if I am good enough,
I never understood why you were so terrible towards me or why nothing I did was ever good enough or why you would constantly complain about my actions.
Unlike most stories, this started in the worst of ways, you were for someone else, and somehow I was cool with being the guy on the side, eventually I fought to win you over and in a way I guess you magically became mine and it worked out to our favor and It all started as a fairytale.
I never for once thought you’d to me what you did to him, but isn’t Karma a bitch ; isn’t that how life works.
You fuck people over and get fucked over, but none of this occurred to me because I was in awe of your perfection,
You were everything I was looking for,
The perfect young lady to come in and ruin my life, but you walked right in and did just that.
You appeared to be the best thing that ever happened to me at first but slowly the true you was unveiled but I still ignored all of those signals, I’m sorry became just another word to ease our conversations and the ingenuity of you saying I love you was never to be questioned.
I think about the guy who just seemed to be randomly hanging on his couch but you apparently just saying hi at his place, but stupidly this was another signal I ignored.
I let us continue even after all the wrong, I let go of everyone else and in you, I put my all, I found myself making changes to suit you; just so you could be happy. I found myself doing everything just to make you mine but to no avail nothing I did was good enough for you and you could never appreciate anything I did.
I love how when you wanted to end this, you just started ignoring me and never was mature enough to give me a reason, but I thank you for that because now I know I deserve better than a cheat, and a liar . This guy is also glad you realized you wasted your time.
Due to our situation I’ve changed into someone, I am not,
I was always so warm but now I have become colder than ever, I was never an angry person but now with the mention of your name or just when I see you I am filled with rage .
I am so far from who I once was.
I am now weak and no longer bold,
I am angry, I am tired. I am a very emotionally exhausted.
You’ve played enough mind games
To make me feel no good. You played mind games just so you could have your way
Everyone saw a smile, But no one knew what was truly behind, you good at covering how deceitful and how much of a liar you are.
Pain, heartache, and despair is all now felt .
Maybe one day I’ll be able to escape, I hope I move on and find someone greater,
I hope I can start over somewhere new,
But I’ll never forget the impact you had on me.
Now because of you, I’ll forever believe love is chimerical .
I don’t think have been this down in a long time, like my meds aren’t working and all I want to do is just stay in bed and cry. Like its so hard coming to work or going around like I’m good but I can’t even do it anymore and all the drinking isn’t helping anymore. I feel so weak and tired. For a second there I thought I was doing much better. I felt a momentum change, my heart was filled with joy but all of a sudden now I’m down again, filled with rage.I’ve punched the wall several times today from anger, my heart is filled with despair. I just want to getaway from everything, I work all time but I don’t see anything from it. I feel like such a waste and an under achiever, I overload myself with work not to think but just get up and work takes so much away from me. I don’t know what is wrong. I’m a walking cry for help, I’m such a lost soul and misguided sheep. I’m so lost and misguided; I’m walking cry for help. I’m such a lost soul.
Happiness at last? So it may seem,
I can see myself smiling all over again,
I can see my heart beating regularly again,
Am I finally finding what I’ve been searching for many years now?
This day might just be a miracle in the making.
I woke up feeling rejuvenated,
I woke up with motivation to do everything and anything,
So I hop out of bed, and make breakfast, take a shower and set out for the day.
I can’t deny that even though, I feel very energized something at the back of my head was just waiting for everything to go wrong.
I tried so enjoy to hard to enjoy the moment, but my head kept feeling up with various thoughts of torment, unfortunately being sad had become my natural element,
It’s become so natural that whenever I experience something good from other people I question why they’ve given me such treatment.
It’s happening again I find myself breaking down, Drenched in tears and filled with rage and emotion but no one to talk,
I yell to the top of my voice because I don’t know what else to do,
Thoughts going back to old habits fill my brain,
What can I do to cure this pain?
My heart is aching, and my head is pounding,
Ouch, I punched the feel to cure the rage but now I feel even more physical pain.
I’m emotionally distraught, I’m mentally drained feeling like my world is derision. I could tell that I’ve fallen short of my expectations and feeling I haven’t done anything or won’t amount much. My confidence is all gone, and I know I’m lost at all odds.
I feel lost, I feel incomplete,
How can this be, what has become of me?
I find myself leaning on alcohol for self appreciation,
No one around me knows because all they see is the show of a happy face I put on,
When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a sad soul filled with torment.
I am a season nearing autumn, I am a leaf who’s frayed by the wind,
I have had the worst of luck on life,
I dream of dreams that will never be felt, I am a failure, Constantly messing up.
Probably never going to succeed, I feel Pointless to try anymore. I’m over life as it is and find myself in this dark place,
I’ve always been totally incompetent and very miserable,
Time to exit the stage because nothing could be done
Time to quit.
I see you pass by And though I know
It can never be
My heart leaps.
You talk to me
And though I know
You mean nothing
My lips move, returning caressing words.
My own selfish desire
Is to hold you
Until the world
Comes to an end…
I see him
Caressing with more than words.
I see you
And though all I want
Is your happiness
My heart drops.
It’s been 3 years and man does that shit feel like fucking 3 minutes ago, tears rolling down my eyes as I become an emotional wreck struggling to calm myself down as I’m ready to rage.
After all these years why does this still affect me, after all these years why am I still struggling with the pain. I know you are the best person I ever knew, the best friend that I ever had, you were my life support and honestly without for all these years have been lost. I’ve done everything to deal with the pain but nothing has worked.
From the alcohol, to the pill popping from numerous sexual escapades. It’s all been a waste of my life, running from place to another to find comfort constantly running from everything and anything that reminds me of you. Constantly beating myself up for not teaching the potential for which you know I could be at, feeling like worthless nuisance who’s roaming with no help or guidance.
I lost love and I’ve been filled with nothing hate and dismay over everything and everyone. I lost my way and passion, I lack clear vision and all of this is because you’re gone.
I wish there was a way for you to let me know you’re still here, and that you still care. I wish you were to shine your light upon me once again and show me the way, but until that moment comes I’m going to continue living life with no care, making sure I pretend like I have absolutely no regrets, rant and complain about everything like I didn’t create these problems myself.
Until you come back, I’m going to keep throwing my life away because at the end of the day I’m going to rot in hell, while you’re in heaven doing super dope things with God.
I miss you and I wish you could show me the way again.
My Dear Queen,
I started writing this at 4:28 and you should know why, I’m supposed to also be sleeping but your presence is all I can think about.
I know everything you might read here you’ve probably heard before but I just had to put my thoughts into words, you know I’m a better writer than speaker even though I talk alot.
I hope these few words can do justice on how I feel about you, but I don’t think they’d be enough. You came out of nowhere, at a moment I had lost all hope, you came at a moment when I felt like I was meant to be miserable all by myself and lost in my own thoughts but you came and turned all of that around. You came in and showed me that I could have a partner in crime, you came and showed me I didn’t have to be miserable and you came into my life and became my lighthouse.
With you, I have learnt that I could be myself and not have to bend my back with compromise because your approach to everything makes us find a common ground always. You’ve accepted my flaws and weirdness, I’ve accepted yours and its become a Beautiful Imperfection. In you I have it all; a best friend, a lover, and a shoulder to lean on. I never thought I’d be here this time a month ago but here I am.
Now, I hope that I can make you be yourself without any questions. I hope that I can make you understand that no matter what you feel, I will be there for you and that your feelings are always validated and that you are never ignored. I never thought you’d want or any part of me, I remember you had to force to go on a date with me and now look at where we are. I hope that at the end of everything I make this worth your while.
Man, I’m hella happy and you make life so easy to live. So lets bask in this moment and I hope it would forever go on.
Was i born the wrong generation? This is a question I’ve constantly asked myself. I feel like at my very young age my mindset and priorities are very much different from most of the people in my age group that I’ve come across. Like most of the women are too focused on finding a boy that “will hold them down” rather than finding a man that they can build with, while most of the men are too worried about “getting fly and getting their dick sucked” excuse my language but those things bother me alot. I feel at the age of 22, I have my degree and my biggest priority right now is starting a career and making sure my family is doing well, but don’t get me wrong I like to look good and have sex but those aren’t my priorities. Today, on my way home on the train I was listening to these guys talk and for a whole 30mins subway ride all they talked about was a “THOT BITCH who couldn’t suck dick right” I laughed to myself and thought what kind of woman will want men like this but apparently some do, Now fast forward to when I get off at the same stop with these guys they’re both talking about how they gotta ask their sister for money and at that moment I put my head down thinking what is wrong with the young men of this generation? why are they so lazy and nonchalant?
I could honestly careless about the men but what bothered the most was the woman they talked about, she knew these guys were friends yet she had sex with both of them in hopes one of them will “wife her up” like seriously? what happened to the generation when women had pride? what happened to the generation of women who were poised to take control? what happened to the generation who were ready to compete with men and not be beneath them? Its sad to see so many women of my generation have LOOSE MORALS and more LOOSE VAGINAS because they too busy hoping on dick than to get on the road and find a better future. I feel like many women in this generation will rather SUCK their way to the top than WORK their way to the top, these all my opinions but you can beg to differ.
i hope one day the men and women of my generation will open their eyes and realize how much power we have to make change and also realize the value of hard work and integrity and most of all learn to behave.